A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Six Months Later

Dear m&m:

Today it is six months since we found out you were gone. These six months have been the hardest of my life, and I have missed you every day. I don't often think to myself what you would have been or could have been or should have been. I try not to let myself imagine how big you would be by now, how much you would be kicking, how many of your little things would be waiting for you in your nursery. I don't know how many weeks you would be or what size fruit you would correspond to. I didn't follow your growth after you left us because it hurt too much to pretend like that.

But I do remember how happy I was when I was pregnant with you and you were growing, however slowly and unsteadily. I often think about the night I ate so many berries and then threw them all up again not even an hour later. Every bit of discomfort or pain I felt then is precious to me now, because it meant that you were alive.

You weren't meant to live, I suppose, though I will never know why. And yet I am so grateful that I had the chance to love you, even if only for a few weeks. Those weeks were a brief spot of joy in a long, sad year and I will remember them all my life. I hope that they were weeks of peace and joy in the fact of being alive for you, too. I hope that somehow you felt my love.

Eternally,
Your Mother

15 comments:

  1. This is lovely. And mad me quite tearful. I'm sorry, SS. I feel a similar sorrow. And similarly thankful for those brief weeks of happiness. Hugs to you.

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  2. A beautiful letter, and so heartbreaking. Sending you lots of love and hugs my friend. You're doing awesome, and I know more joy and happiness is just around the bend.

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  3. this was such a lovely letter to your baby, yet it made me sad. you're gonna have this awesome pregnant feeling again. you are. i promise.

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  4. This is so beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss. The loss doesn't leave us, but it does get easier as time passes - though every year around the time of loss, it feels like a raw nerve. I hope you have peace and I am thinking about you!!

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  5. This really is a beautiful letter. Thinking of you during this time. Big hugs to you.

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  6. Beautiful letter to your little m&m. Thinking of you today.

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  7. That was very lovely . . . and I know that your M&M enjoyed it.

    Wanted you to know you are most definitely not alone . . . the six-month m/c mark I remember the most fell on Christmas Eve for me. It sucks. Do whatever you need to get through today - be it venting, crying, being angry, shopping, lots of ice cream. We wuv ya.

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  8. The part about the berries really got me. This is all just too, too sad!!! I hate it.

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  9. Ugg, so heartbreaking. I know there's being pregnant again won't erase this pain, but I do believe you'll have that happiness again, though perhaps tempered by some sadness.

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  10. oh, Sloper, you really know how to make me cry. This was beautiful and I can relate so much. Hugs to you today.

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  11. Beautiful, and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you lost the M&Ms.

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  12. That was so beautiful, thinking of you and sending huge hugs and lots of love!

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