A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

In Which I Do My Best Impression of an Antebellum Heroine; or, Odds and Ends

Thanks for the advice on the Clueless Preggo front. I'm still pretty stymied about what to do. Sometimes the thought of sending her an e-mail or card feels best. Sometimes the thought of dropping off the face of the earth feels best. And just yesterday I felt like I could handle a face-to-face dinner, somehow. I think what I'd like best is a face-to-face where we agreed not to talk about or acknowledge her pregnancy, but I'm not sure how I can get that (since I'm sure on her end, the whole reason she wants to get together is to talk about the baby and the baby-mandated move to the suburbs I'm positive is on the horizon). That's how my SIL and I handled things during the last months of her pregnancy, but she and her husband aren't big sharers anyway, and we never had to have a conversation about ignoring the elephant in the room.

I have a therapy appointment scheduled for Thursday, so I think I'll go over all this then and see what my therapist thinks. Maybe she can help me tease out what I really want.

* * * *

I got some good news this week. The semi-half-assed abstract I sent off to a conference two weeks ago was accepted! So I'll now be heading out to Portland in October. This is of course calling to mind the first conference I attended in London last July. When I applied and was accepted to that conference I was positive that I'd be pregnant by the time I attended. No socializing over pints at the pub for me, I thought. Now here I am, almost a year later, still not pregnant. But at least I'm making no assumptions about this trip to October. I'd like to be pregnant by then. I hope I'm pregnant by then. But who the fuck knows anymore. Maybe I won't be able to go because of monitoring appointments at the REs. I'm not going to worry about it until the time comes.

One little additional thing: this is the second conference I've applied to and the second conference where I've been accepted. The first was the biggest conference in my field for UK academics. But you are very, very wrong if you think this makes me feel confident about my work. Nope. I've assumed that either: the conferences didn't get as many submissions as they expected; these conferences aren't actually all that good; my abstracts were good enough to trick them into accepting me, but my presentations will depress and appall them. Eh, I'm just going to go back to not thinking about it again.

* * *
One of my younger sisters is getting married next summer in California. August 2011. So far away, right? But being 9-months pregnant in August would mean conceiving in December. That's seven months from now. That's two months after we're planning to make our first visit to the RE. That's entirely possible.

So I very well may be forced to confront the possibility of delaying treatments in order to guarantee I can attend my sister's wedding. I envisioned this possibility back when I had the miscarriage in November. I don't need to tell you guys how much either would hurt: missing the wedding of my first sister to marry; delaying getting started making babies even more-- pushing it ever closer to the two year mark.

I'm not actively fretting over this. I recognize that a lot can happen in seven months. It's just there in the back of my mind. One more worry-stone to add to the pile. One more thing to not let myself think of, Scarlett O'Hara style.

Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow is another day.


  1. Congratulations on your abstract acceptance!!! Looks like everyone is going to a conference in Portland this year (me in June, Bunny sometime, and you in October). Anyone else? Seems that Portland has suddenly become the hotspot for academic conferences! What are you presenting on? I am curious, but understand if you don't want to compromise your identity by saying.

    I am glad you are thinking about this long and hard before initiating drama with your friend. Not that i think you shouldn't 9I don't really know the situation), but I just want to protect you from an offended, self-righteous baby-mama (if she does have the tendency to pull something like that on you).

    Finally, that's such a tough situation with your sister's wedding!!! Luckily you don't have to think about it for a little while-- if i know you (ms. secret-pisser), you won't be able to really fully stop trying even if you want to (maybe you can compromise and just have sex instead of pursuing treatment that month! :)). Let's hope you get pregnant sooner and don't have to deal with anything more serious than trying to drag a squalling infant on the plane to CA!

  2. congrats on your abstract being accepted! i've always wanted to go to portland for some reason, but the timing has never been right. they say such lovely things about that city.

    hopefully, planning the pregnancy around your sister's wedding won't be an issue bc you'll already have the baby by then. how late in pregnancy do they say one can fly? my sisters bff flew at almost 8 months to make it to her wedding last year. i guess her worry wasn't as high as a normal person's bc she's an OBGYN and so is her hubby, so she coulda given birth on the plane and hubbs coulda taken care of it right then and there.

    for you, my point being, if you do have to take a little break, perhaps it won't have to be too very long. you know, at one point my mom actually told me that i should let my older sis have a baby first (not like my sis cared at all). um, turns out at this rate, she'll have ALL her babies before my ONE!

  3. That's great about the abstract/conference! I also think talking to your therapist about your friend is a good idea. And I also think that letting your friend know what you are and aren't comfortable with is also important, though I have zilch to offer by way of advice on that. It sounds like your SIL and you had a good system (would that I had had this system with my SIL).

    One of the great things about that 9 month wait is that it IS a 9 month wait. I know it isn't easy to change a wedding date. But it isn't impossible, either (and I've heard of that happening for just this reason)...

  4. This is quite a conundrum. The way I see fate working is to trip up your best laid plans. That said, a three month break during that time to make you 6 months or under by the time the wedding rolls around would be worth the trouble. Plus, you won't be painfully pregnant looking in all those photos. :)

    On the recently-now-someone-to-not talk to front, if you can muster the courage to do face to face, delivering the speech below is easier in person.

    "Look, I know that you are excited to share this pregnancy with me and all of the scary and wonderful things that are going on in your life, but before you get started, I need to tell you about where I'm at emotionally right now and why." Clearly you are happy for her, but you feel a tremendous sense of loss that hinders your ability to be *that* friend who is there for her. The tricky bit is coming off letting her know how deeply pained you are without being "it's all about me" when in fact it's all about you (for a very good reason).

    Clearly I'm rambling, but I'm hoping some of this is useful. I know that tendency to plan around an eventual pregnancy, but seriously, a baby is so wee that it will fit in wherever you travel, even if it happens to still be in your belly at the time. ;)

  5. Fabulous news about the abstract. I spent yesterday reviewing abstracts for a conference, and kept thinking, "This one TOTAL CRAP...but then, so are all of mine..."

  6. Congrats on the abstract! I'm sure your presentation will live up to their expectations...give yourself a little credit!
    I have the planning/what ifs that go along with trying to get pregnant. I've basically resigned to planning nothing around TTC and canceling when I need to (case in point, my Memorial Day trip). Somehow, that is easier than missing something because I thought I *might* be pregnant and then not.

  7. I think that is great news on the abstract! It's human to worry but allow yourself to crow with joy at what you were able to do! :) And then rock your presentations!

    That would be a crappy situation to be in - wedding or baby wedding or baby....hopefully you don't have to make the choice, hopefully you'll be pregnant before December and you'll have your baby at the wedding. Or with a sitter...

  8. This.
    Planning your life around a baby that may or may not happen... this is the hardest part of TTC to me. Like others said, hopefully it won't be a dilemma by then. HOPEFULLY you'll get knocked up long before and this won't be an issue. I totally feel for you, though.

    Also, way to go on that abstract! Don't listen to the inner nay-sayer. You rock.

  9. Congrats on the abstract! Don't let the imposter syndrome drag you down, if they selected you, I'm sure your work is great!
    Wedding or baby... I hope you'll be pregnant before December and won't have to worry about this. It's a tough one. We'll most likely move to another continent next year. Should I stop trying so that I'm not hugely pregnant or with a tiny newborn then? Probably yes. But what if that's the time when it would finally work? And I don't want to screw my hormones by going on bcp again... Like you, I'll deal with it when the time comes.

  10. Huge congrats on your abstract!! And like everyone else said, I'm sure its cause you were the best of the best girl!! And I completely hear you on the pregnancy planning, and as much fun as weddings are they do cause unneeded stress when it comes to baby making. Will I be pregnant by that wedding, and how pregnant, will I be able to travel, will I need a bigger dress. I can't tell you how many times I've gone through the whole cycle of questions! I agree with A, just take it day by day and try not to plan. And I'm hoping with everything that only thing you'll be dealing with is who will watch the baby during the ceremony ;)!

  11. Way to go with the abstract! You downplayed it a bit, but you really deserve a big pat on the back. I'm impressed.

    I'm about a year ahead of you on the sister-getting-married thing - mine's getting married in September this year. I remember first talking to her about IF and her saying that she wanted me to be her bridesmaid even if I was nine-months along, which made me cry.

    We're too far in the year now for this to be a real problem, though I keep hoping too that I'll at least be knocked up by the time her wedding rolls around so that I have some news to feed the hungry masses of relatives who will anxiously be asking me if I'm going to spawn.