Thanks for the advice on the Clueless Preggo front. I'm still pretty stymied about what to do. Sometimes the thought of sending her an e-mail or card feels best. Sometimes the thought of dropping off the face of the earth feels best. And just yesterday I felt like I could handle a face-to-face dinner, somehow. I think what I'd like best is a face-to-face where we agreed not to talk about or acknowledge her pregnancy, but I'm not sure how I can get that (since I'm sure on her end, the whole reason she wants to get together is to talk about the baby and the baby-mandated move to the suburbs I'm positive is on the horizon). That's how my SIL and I handled things during the last months of her pregnancy, but she and her husband aren't big sharers anyway, and we never had to have a conversation about ignoring the elephant in the room.
I have a therapy appointment scheduled for Thursday, so I think I'll go over all this then and see what my therapist thinks. Maybe she can help me tease out what I really want.
* * * *
I got some good news this week. The semi-half-assed abstract I sent off to a conference two weeks ago was accepted! So I'll now be heading out to Portland in October. This is of course calling to mind the first conference I attended in London last July. When I applied and was accepted to that conference I was positive that I'd be pregnant by the time I attended. No socializing over pints at the pub for me, I thought. Now here I am, almost a year later, still not pregnant. But at least I'm making no assumptions about this trip to October. I'd like to be pregnant by then. I hope I'm pregnant by then. But who the fuck knows anymore. Maybe I won't be able to go because of monitoring appointments at the REs. I'm not going to worry about it until the time comes.
One little additional thing: this is the second conference I've applied to and the second conference where I've been accepted. The first was the biggest conference in my field for UK academics. But you are very, very wrong if you think this makes me feel confident about my work. Nope. I've assumed that either: the conferences didn't get as many submissions as they expected; these conferences aren't actually all that good; my abstracts were good enough to trick them into accepting me, but my presentations will depress and appall them. Eh, I'm just going to go back to not thinking about it again.
* * *
One of my younger sisters is getting married next summer in California. August 2011. So far away, right? But being 9-months pregnant in August would mean conceiving in December. That's seven months from now. That's two months after we're planning to make our first visit to the RE. That's entirely possible.
So I very well may be forced to confront the possibility of delaying treatments in order to guarantee I can attend my sister's wedding. I envisioned this possibility back when I had the miscarriage in November. I don't need to tell you guys how much either would hurt: missing the wedding of my first sister to marry; delaying getting started making babies even more-- pushing it ever closer to the two year mark.
I'm not actively fretting over this. I recognize that a lot can happen in seven months. It's just there in the back of my mind. One more worry-stone to add to the pile. One more thing to not let myself think of, Scarlett O'Hara style.
Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago