I'm back from the wilds of Maine! I watched my youngest sister graduate, ovulated, tricked Lawyer Guy into pressure-free sex, and ate a lot of excellent locally grown/caught food. Not in that order.
I ovulated either CD 20 or 21, right on schedule. And the sex was well timed and well spaced out, not that I know what either of those things mean anymore. I so want this to be it. I so want to be reading a positive pee stick two weeks from today. I tell myself every two week wait that this won't be the month and that I've just got to keep trying, but inside I'm thinking, "Why not? It happened once, why can't it happen again?" And then another voice answers with, "Yeah, but it hasn't happened ten times more than it has, so why would this month be different?"
It gets pretty crowded in my head during the two week wait.
After the CBEFM had confirmed ovulation, on the last day of the trip, Lawyer Guy and I took a bath together. It's something we like to do on vacation, but thanks to my zealous protection of his sperm and all things related to them, we haven't done so in 18 months. He was tired from the long drive and from days spent with my family (whom he loves but who also drive him crazy) and I thought a bath would relax him. It did.
But of course, immediately afterward the wheels in my mind started turning. "Hot baths can decrease fertility. It can take three months for sperm counts to replenish. We're going to the RE in three months. We could have just killed all our chances at conceiving until September. If it doesn't happen this month, we're screwed." And on and on and on.
By this point, I've pretty much turned the possible regrets off. My husband needed to relax and do something with me that was not about making babies. The bath wasn't blisteringly hot or anything, so I'm sure it will be fine. And even if it's not, it's only two cycles we've been set back. Plus, who the hell knows what our problems are anyway?
But I have come to the conclusion that if this cycle doesn't work out we'll be visiting the RE in late August/September. Some days that terrifies me. Other days it feels inevitable.
Finally: thanks for your feedback on the letter to Clueless. I'm going to send it tomorrow and I'm not going to await or expect a response. Some of you mentioned wanting to "plagiarize" the letter in e-mails to your own friends or family. As long as you use proper MLA citation, that's fine. Just kidding. Anything in there that speaks to you or communicates your feelings is open and available for you to use.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
2 months ago