I've been contemplating switching therapists recently. Not because I actually think mine's a pothead, though I was a bit taken aback when she suggested that Lawyer Guy and I get in the sexy mood with some weed (that hasn't been our thing since I was in college. Plus, isn't it not so good for the sperm count? Plus, no). But more because I wonder if someone who specifically understands pregnancy loss/IF issues would be better for me. Mine is great for my general anxiety and procrastination, but she applies a pretty hardcore cognitive behavioral approach to all my issues, and sometimes I feel that this just doesn't work with my grief over the miscarriage. She encourages me to not let myself get sad or anxious, to "challenge" my fearful or despairing thoughts, and to try to be grateful for the fact that my body ended a presumably unhealthy pregnancy. I kind of think she doesn't get it sometimes.
But I also have this intense anxiety about hurting or upsetting people, and I always apply it to my relationships with my therapists. I left my last one by moving and never calling him again or giving him my new phone number because I was too scared to let him know I didn't want to continue as his patient. (My anxiety about hurting people's feelings goes way back--I let my mother pick out my clothes until I was 12 years old because I was afraid she'd be hurt and sad if I told her I didn't like the jumpers and little-girl outfits she bought for me). Probably something I should discuss with a therapist, huh?
* * *
I've been avoiding my good friend from high school recently. We had dinner back in early January, at which time she revealed that she and her husband were going to start "trying" that month, and that they were both nervous. I told her that since she's friends with me, she'll get pregnant first shot (I'm a freaking fertility doll or something for my friends and family).
And if you guessed that I'm now too chickenshit to call her and get together because I'm afraid she'll tell me she's pregnant or abstain from wine and I'll just know, you're the big winner!
To be fair, she hasn't called me either, which leads me to believe she's either:
a) really busy (she has a demanding job at a major international corporation and an i-banker husband who travels a lot).
b) pregnant and worried about telling me/keeping it from me.
c) not pregnant and worried that I'm pregnant.
My money's on b). Because why the hell not make it 15 pregnancy announcements in a year? Increments of five are so easy to calculate.
* * *
Here's a little bit of positive news: I got a high reading on the CBE.FM and tons of egg whites today and I'm only on CD 17! If this shakes out like the last couple of monitored cycles, I should ovulate Sunday or Monday, right around my (former) normal ovulation time of CD 21. I might be getting back to normal!
Yup, I've already calculated the due date. And planned the shower. And the "tell the parents" date. And all the rest of it. And we haven't even had sex yet.
I probably should have made time for that bikini wax.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
4 months ago