A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Kindred Spirits

She had her baby today.

We've been best friends since we were twelve years old. We read all of L.M Montgomery's novels together, and then moved in tandem to Austen and Bronte. We watched The Cutting Edge eight times in a row wrapped in sleeping bags in one or the other's basement, a carton of Phish Food between us.

She sent me Swedish fish and funny notes when I was 18 and in England, my heart broken for the first time. And when I was 19, I cried the whole length of a Greyhound bus trip from NYC to Providence until I could see her and tell her what he'd done.

She taught me to knit our junior year of college. I taught her how to scam drinks off older men.

She married her Navy Doc the morning after I married Lawyer Guy. And still, she was the last person to leave my reception. I gave her the flowers from my wedding to decorate hers.

We started trying for babies two months apart. We joked that we'd have two girls born the same day who would become best friends. Or else a boy and girl who would get married.

I threw her baby shower. It was the last weekend I was pregnant.

She had her baby today.

And I cried.


  1. Wonderful; and heartbreaking.

    It sounds like a wonderful friendship, but this must be a very painful time for you.

    Just remember: your day will come.

  2. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Keep your chin up. I echo IO's thoughts above, your day will come.

  3. I am so sorry! this must be such a hard day.
    your lucky to have such a wonderful friend in your life,
    but I wish the world worked in a way that you could
    have your 2 girls on the same day. I hope your
    able to enjoy this baby and your friend.....I feel like
    I have lost so many friends because I find it "too hard"
    to be around their little ones ;(

  4. I can SO commiserate, my bff had her baby boy two months after my miscarriage. Our due dates were exactly 6 months apart, and now he's 7 months old. I love him to death, but it also breaks my heart a little when I see the love just radiating from my bff to her baby boy. Our day WILL come though, I know it will!! But its still so hard, hang in there!

  5. I know how much this hurts and yet you are happy for your friend at the same time.

    Your day WILL come, but that doesn't make today any easier, especially when you still don't know WHEN or HOW your day will come.

    Be gentle with yourself today.

  6. I don't know what to say. Your heart must be broken and joyful at the same time. Hang in there.

  7. you must be equally heartbroken and elated today... it's so complicated.

    You are an amazing friend (to her & us!)and if she is an equally amazing friend (as she seems to be) I know that she must understand the flood of emotions that her news brings. *hugs*

  8. It's a bittersweet day for you, I know, honey. You are not a bad person for these feelings or crying. I cried (for what I had lost) even when dear, fave cousins of mine got pregnant (and made it past 20 wks before announcing) after they had heartbreaking m/c's prior to that.

    As Stefanie wisely said, it's VERY complicated.

    My BFF is trying to heal right now after a m/c herself - she was only 2 weeks behind me, but didn't tell me until recently, and I feel like sh*t about it, esp. since she was wanting it so badly and here I was not wanting to be pregnant, a happy adoptive mom.

    Please try to not beat yourself up. Allow those tears . . . allow the full range of emotions. She sounds like a good friend, and if she indeed is, she will understand how it hurts - not that you don't wish her and the baby well, it's just a reminder of your own loss, and the change in your relationship with her.

    Most of all, keep blogging to us about it.


  9. So heartbreaking, but beautifully said. It's so hard when those closest to us also remind us of what we want most.

  10. This is a gorgeous and gutting post. :( I'm thinking of you...