A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Back to Zero; or, Crumbling

I'm having a really bad day. Woke up early from upsetting dreams. Lay in bed restlessly reliving the experience of the d&c. Thought about my baby and where I'd be right now if we hadn't lost him or her.

I haven't cried like this in weeks. Everything feels too difficult, too empty. I can't stop thinking about what I've lost and how much I want it back. I can't see a happy future behind the blackness of this moment.

I thought I was doing better. I actually felt proud of myself for getting over that hump of grief and facing the future with optimism. I told myself I was really strong. Better at dealing with this than most people.

But I'm not. I'm weak and pathetic. And sad.

And tired.

Edited to add: Thank you. Your words help so much.

And I just noticed the date. The 11th. 2 months. Fuck.


  1. Oh, I am so sorry you feel this way. It is so hard and you would have to be inhuman to not feel this sad.

    Sometimes life is just too, too sad.

  2. You are not weak and pathetic. Got that? There is no magic finish line to grief. It is a fluid process, and you move back and forth between acceptance and anger and depression, etc. When you move back into these times when you're depressed or sad, it does NOT mean you aren't strong. It means you are normal. Cry. Rest. Do whatever it is you need. Be easy on yourself, and take care of yourself.

    Thinking of you today...

  3. HI - since you haven't progressed to RE testng and you have irregular cycles, you might want to consider chinese herbal medicine to bring your hormones/system back into balance. It has helped me, I'd recommend giving it a try, it doesn't hurt. Place I went - Dr. Li at Spring Thyme (Nassau st or Bklyn).

  4. I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

  5. Hi there, just started following your blog...I'm also ttc after a miscarriage. I'm so so sorry about yours, there really are no words. And there's truly no right way to deal so do not feed bad for grieving, just take it one day at a time...it will get easier!!

  6. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I am rubbing your shoulder and stroking your hair, via the internet, I swear.

    I had a lot of days in which I felt so strong and empowered and ready to move forward after my m/c's. And then many days in which just as swiftly I felt knocked back on my ass again. I want you to know it's normal (even if it still sucks hugely). And it's okay to keep moving back and forth between both extremes of these emotions, and it's okay to not know why or what triggered it.

    Most importantly, I want you to keep blogging about it, as often as you need to. I promise you that I will NOT get tired of reading about it, or nodding in acknowledgement, and hearing about all of your feelings, no matter how ugly and uncomfortable they may seem at times.

    I don't think people heal from the loss of a baby. The best we can do is have it hurt just a little bit less, with the passage of time and space. But even years later I have a good cry about the ones I lost now and then.


  7. I am so so sorry Secret Sloper. You are NOT weak or pathetic. You are a beautiful person just trying to get by. I am thinking of you!

  8. You ARE NOT weak. You are human, and it is normal to have good days and bad ones.
    I don't think that it is a coincidence that you had this rough night and then realised the date - the human psyche is a good calendar! You are allowed to be sad sometimes, so don't be too hard on yourself. You are studying, working, and maintaining a home and a marriage. You've got lots to be proud of.