Do or Die Time; or, Letting Hope Live

I'm 15dpo and I don't see or smell any blood. Unless my period starts some time today (which it could and probably will), I'm going to test tomorrow morning when I wake up.

I'm really scared to test. It doesn't make sense, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I've started to think this might be...it (I can't even write the words).

And I like feeling this hopeful feeling. I could hardly sleep last night, and I woke up at 6:30 am. I kept tossing and turning in bed, imagining how I would tell my family and my friends if what I hope comes true.

The thought of looking at another negative test makes me feel sick.

I want to hold on to my hope a little longer.

Waiting on the World to Not Change; or, AF Keeps Things Interesting

(Warning: Those with a low tolerance for discussions of bodily fluids should stop reading now).

I'm blessed to not only have irregular cycles with inconsistent ovulation days (anywhere from day 18 to day 30), but to also have an inconsistent luteal phase. It's always "long enough" but almost never the same length. In the 11 months since I first charted, I've had an LP as short as 10 days and as long as 15.

After pregnancy testing early in my first couple of cycles and realizing that getting the heartbreak of a negative twice in one week does nothing for my spirits, I made a resolution to no longer test before 16 dpo. I've yet to reach that goal.

Today I am either 13 or 14 dpo. And everything in my body tells me my period is on its way. Ravenous eating habits. Bloated lower abdomen and swollen, tender boobs. Looser stool. All the signs are there.

Except...

I usually spot before AF comes. And even before that, I'll see a tinge of blood in my cervical fluid. And even before that, I can smell the iron of the blood in the mucus and on the tissue after wiping.

There's no blood. No smell.

If AF is coming, I'd really like her to just hurry up and get here. Because waiting through the weekend only to see her show up on the day I'm supposed to test will REALLY not do anything good for our relationship. And she and I are on uneasy terms at the moment as it is.

Cycle 7 Stats; or, The Plan, Such As It Is

Tomorrow I'm going to call my gyno and schedule an appointment for early January. We'll be in our 10th cycle and 11th month of trying to conceive. She'll run a battery of tests and we'll discuss options and next steps.

I'm going to tell myself that this is what will happen. I will not expect to get pregnant in the next 2 and 1/2 months. For whatever reason, that's not the direction my journey is going to take. I'm going to focus on finishing up the semester, getting my students' papers graded and final grades in, making it through the holidays, having a fantastic trip to Vegas, and finishing my incomplete papers from last year.

I will not expect to get pregnant. I will not expect to get pregnant. I will not expect to get pregnant.

Stats:
CD 36 of Cycle 7
10 or 11 dpo
AF anticipated anywhere from tomorrow (if it's 12dpo) to Sunday (if it's 15 dpo)
Slight cramping that comes and goes (typical pms for me)
Ravenous appetite (typical pms)
Backache
Bigger boobs (typical pms)

No spotting or bloody smell to cervical mucus.

I'm going to hate myself in a few days for feeling optimistic about this. I have no real reason to, but I can't help imagining when we'll tell the families, how I'll tell my husband, and having a June due date.

I shouldn't imagine I'm pregnant. I'm really going to hate myself. I never learn.

A Very Pregnant Weekend; or, The New Tally

The shower was great! A wonderful afternoon of delicious prosecco (and Cava--it's pink and sparkly! How did I not drink this before?) and good food and music in a gorgeous apartment on Park Ave (not mine, clearly). And my friend E was glowing and beautiful and happy and I felt her baby wiggling around inside her 36-weeks-pregnant belly and pulled out all the old-wives' tricks to determine the sex and decided she's having a boy.

And then today we had a nice afternoon watching football and eating Italian food with some couple friends, one of whom is 38 weeks pregnant and probably enjoying her last baby-free weekend.

And then the other couple, who had their sweet, adorable two-year-old with them, announced that they are 13 weeks along.

Which brings the grand total of pregnant women I chilled with this weekend to three. And brings the tally of friends and family who have announced their pregnancies since I started TTC to (drumroll please): NINE. That's right, I have heard nine "We're expecting!"s since March. Who wants to bet I'll hear a tenth before too long?

I'm getting better at taking them in stride. This time, I barely cried at all and not until we were home and all settled into our pjs.

I keep reminding myself of the kind of woman I want to be. Someone gracious and warm. Someone who treats others with consideration and kindness no matter what's going on in my life. Every one of these children deserves to be celebrated and welcomed joyfully--as much as my future little boy or girl will, however he or she may join our lives.

So I'm trying to suck back the sadness and desperation and just be happy for everyone. And if I don't feel quite as generous as I want to be, I'll fake it until I make it.

Quick update on Cycle 7 as it stands:
I'm on day 34.
I estimate I'm either 8dpo or 9dpo
I have my usual pms-type lower abdominal cramps
I have my usual pms-type insatiable hunger for sweets and fat
My boobs are normal sized and not particularly tender
I have had lower back pain for three days.

The back pain is kind of new, and my boobs have usually swelled up by this point, but other than that we're on track for the start of Cycle 8.

Shower the People You Love With Love; or, Keeping Spirits Up

Tomorrow I'm co-hosting one of my close friend's baby shower. She lives in another state, and I haven't seen her since she fell pregnant (isn't the British expression nicer than our "got"?) I love hosting parties. I've had my usual fun ordering platters of tea sandwiches from a local upscale grocery and picking out bottles of proseco and choosing flowers and music and the like. I'm excited to give her things that will help make this adjustment to motherhood easier.

I wish I had to abstain from the wine, too. But I truly am happy for her and her joy.

I'm half way through the 2ww. I'm feeling pretty crampy and bloated. I'm craving sweet things and cheese and fat (I devoured a baked gruyere mac and cheese at dinner tonight). Both classic PMS symptoms for me.

I'm not harboring much hope for this cycle.

I don't know if I can get it back next month.

Non-Babymoon in Vegas; or, The Art of Self-Distraction

I had a brilliant idea last night for something that makes me feel excited and optimistic even when work and school overwhelm me and the wait to be pregnant feels so long.

I've never been to Vegas and have wanted to go for a while. My husband hasn't been since his bachelor party over two years ago.

So...we're going for New Year's! My old roommate who now lives in San Fransisco is going to come with her boyfriend!

I can't wait to start researching hotel deals. It will be the perfect little getaway, something to look forward to and plan when all I want to do is obsess over fertility monitors. If I'm not pregnant by January, we'll have this fun trip and then come home and start the testing with my doctor. And if I am pregnant...that will be the perfect way to celebrate!

I'm so proud of my genius right now.

Making Connections; or, That Was Unexpected

It's no secret (and probably no surprise) that I've been feeling rather lonely the last four or five months. My friends who want kids right now are pregnant. My non-pregnant friends don't want to be yet. My husband feels upset when I'm upset, which forces me to temper my disappointment and anguish at each negative test or new cycle. And he doesn't really understand my pain--a baby is something he's willing to wait for, not something he needs with every atom in his body.

So I've been lonely.

And then a close and special friend of mine (one of the married but not ready for kids yet types) called me up. I had previously confided a little in her about my husband and my thus-far thwarted efforts to conceive. And she called to let me know that J, a mutual friend of ours, had recently spilled that she too was having a bit more trouble than she expected getting knocked up.

I've known J a while and like her a lot, but we've never been especially close. But I contacted her anyway and we met up last night for a bottle of wine, some chips and salsa, and a long evening of soul-baring and cervical mucus-centric discussion. What a relief it was to share this with her.

She's on her 6th cycle, I'm on my 7th, we each have best friends who got pregnant the first try, we're each hosting baby showers and struggling with the infuriating, frustrating, startling, frightening, overwhelming, maddening range of emotions that come with this process. We both fight feelings of jealousy, envy, and down-right resentment at the difficulties we're facing--mixed with moments of reflection and glimmers of acceptance.

And we share the same strange mental block-- the inability to imagine ourselves looking at a positive pregnancy test or the belief that it will ever happen...even while we fully know and accept that one we WILL have children, through whatever means possible.

It helps to feel slightly less lonely.

Another relief: the Cle.arblue E.asy monitor detected peak hormone levels today. Day 25. Still, I'll take it.

Let's hope my husband's crap week at work doesn't put him entirely off babymaking tonight.