A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Here We Go Again... [UPDATED]

Those were the words I woke my husband with at 4 am after waking to pee and seeing this (forgive the terrible cell phone pictures):

Yes, I took two tests. The first (up top) is my last remaining test from the March '09 stash; the second is a FRER that a message board friend sent several months ago. As the first test is only days away from expiring in February, I thought I needed some back-up.

I broke every single one of my rules. I didn't wait until my period was late to test (I'm 15 dpiui and last time I started spotting mid-afternoon on day 15); I sat on the bathroom floor and watched the tests change rather than set the timer and leave the room (it was 4 am, what was I going to do?); I woke Lawyer Guy up and told him right then and there rather than planning some elaborate surprise as I did with the first pregnancy.

I'm calling Dr. W's office in a half-hour or so when they open, and then I'm going in for betas. If I had to describe the way I feel right now, it would be "cautious." Not cautiously optimistic or cautiously hopeful. Just cautious. This is like walking across black ice: You measure each step carefully, feeling your way across the slippery surface, because letting yourself think two or three steps further will send you flat on your butt.

I really, really don't want to fall on my butt again. So when LG asked me this morning if we could get a little excited and start daydreaming, I told him I'm not ready. I know how hard it will be, but I'm going to try to focus on the same things that got me through what's already come of this cycle: writing, reading, studying, teaching, friends. Then, if this doesn't work out, I'll at least have something under me to fall onto.

[UPDATE]: First betas are in. 225 at 15 dpiui. I go back Monday.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

50 comments:

  1. Wow, congrats to you!!!! I know that this is the cautious part and i totally understand you need to hold off on the celebrations, but this is the first step and it is very exciting. Keep us posted on everything. I am so glad that you are going in today for a beta (waiting through the weekend would not have been ok). Keep us posted!!!! I am understatedly, very excited for you!!!!!

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  2. Congrautions! Best wishes for a successful, smooth pregnancy!

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  3. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Awesomeness!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally get your caution, Slopie. But I am so very happy for you, too. Everything in me WILLS this to be THE ONE...and believes that it is!!! Keep us posted. xoxo

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  4. Eeeeeeek! I knew it! I'm SOOOO happy for you, C! But I totally understand being cautious. I hope this is your sticky bean or beans!! Xoxo

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  5. I am sending you SOOOOOOO many positive thoughts and good vibes. I completely understand the cautious feeling. BUT, I'm going to go with cautiously optimistic on my side!!!!!

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  6. Oh, Sloper!!! I am so happy for you!!! Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Keep us posted!

    Eeek!!! :)

    <3

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  7. Congratulations! I totally (TOTALLY) get you feeling cautious, maybe even disbelieving, and not ready to daydream. I don't think I believed that (after my own losses) that we'd have a real live baby at the end until I hit around 34 weeks, and even then I was afraid of something going wrong.

    Take it slow with your heart. One day at a time.

    Oh and have fun with the cold turkey of no booze, or anything else fun, LOL.

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  8. !!!!! This is so exciting!!! I mean...shhhh...(this is so exciting). Hoping the betas are strengthy and beautiful. Keep us posted!

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  9. Congratulations!!
    I completely understand the need to be cautious, but I hope you can enjoy the moment.

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  10. OOOH!!! I have a good feeling about this! I have been patiently waiting for this kind of post for some time as a follower of your blog. From my own experience, I can completely relate to the "here we go again" feeling. Good luck!!!

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  11. I completely know where you're coming from in your desire to remain cautious -- I wasn't ready to really take it in until I was almost 5 months along.

    But for now, if only for a fleeting moment, allow yourself to be happy.

    I, for one, am so excited for you.

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  12. Yes!! Look, I know how hard it is to trust that second line, especially when you have been here before. And I understand your caution. But a healthy pregnancy begins exactly like this, and I am crossing all for your beta and beyond. And WE will be excited for you. (Doing my happy dance right now).

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  13. OMG, I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!

    I know how you feel. I understand your caution. There is no relaxing at this point, no daydreaming for some time. Focus, as much as you can, on other things. In the meantime, I'm doing the happy dance for you. ((((Huge hugs))))

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  14. Sloper!!! We all understand your caution, but while you're being cautious, we will celebrate for you. :) Congrats!

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  15. It's never the same as the first time when it is viciously ripped away from us. And for that, I am sorry for you. As another loss survivor, I can say "Well Congrats to get to this part of again!" And that I sincerely hope this is the one that works. Also and ps- it makes me happy to know IUI can work as I re-enter their world.

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  16. SLOPER!! This is fantastic!! That is so, so, SO positive. No doubt about it. I completely understand your feelings right now, but I am so excited for you! Keep us posted! xoxo

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  17. Holy crap!!! I am so so so so so freaking excited right now!!!! YES YES YES YES-- oh, sloper, I've been hoping so hard for this day!!! I so wanted us to be pregnancy buddies, and it looks like we do get a little bit of overlap :).

    I really couldn't be happier right now!!!!!

    I know you're cautious, but I KNOW this one is going to stick.

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  18. Yay!!! Feel how you wanna feel, coming from an RPL "adventurer". But I'm so excited for you!

    Also, I gave you a blog award today, so if you want you can come check it out!

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  19. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

    That is good news. You can be cautious and I'll be wildly happy for you!!!

    Hugs, Jem

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  20. Yes Yes Yes! So exciting! I know as days go by (and betas go up) you will let yourself feel the joy more and more. For now, we all be excited for you until you can be!!!

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  21. Oh what a nice surprise! I know it's impossible to entertain even a hint of hope or a glimmer of a daydream when you've experienced loss(es), so I'm going to hold some hope for you, and think about good healthy numbers on that first beta. One pregnancy post infertility hurdle at a time...

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  22. OOOH congratulations!!! Good luck with your betas and I hope those numbers keep rising!

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  23. Yay, yay, YAY!!! So very excited for you! this is IT! :-)

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  24. We all want to do the OMG-your-pregnant!!! happy dance with you but oh so sadly I completely understand where this caution is coming from.

    Here is hoping for time to speed by and for the time when you can fully celebrate this to come SOON!

    In the meantime--- congrats!!!!!!

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  25. Congratulations, that's fantastic news.

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  26. HOLY SHIT!! This is amazing!

    Believe me, oh please fucking believe me, how much I understand the cautiousness. I still haven't given myself permission to believe.

    But it's there, babe. That second line is there.

    I will be waiting with bated breath for some awesome betas.

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  27. This is potentially AWESOME! I will be waiting for your beta but I have a good feeling!

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  28. awesome awesome news!!! you can't get to hurdle #2 without passing this first hurdle, so yaay!! xoxo :o)

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  29. I am holding my breath for you, dear. Cautious and hopeful that you'll navigate those few steps very successfully. Eeeeeek.

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  30. Delurking to say wow girl, them's some lovely pee sticks you've got there :)

    I understand the cautious road ahead but know that we're all here rooting you, LG, and that emby on.

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  31. I'm so happy for you, my friend, and I hope with all my might that this will be your and LG's happy ending.

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  32. Congrats! Wishing you the best and crossing my fingers that this is it! 2011 is hopefully your year!

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  33. Here's a cautious 'hells yeah' in the very positive and strong hope that this is the one. It looks pretty good to me so just keep believing.

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  34. I totally understand taking it cautiously, and I'm very hopeful for you! Those are some nice dark lines, missy!

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  35. thats a very good number!
    awesome.....

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  36. 225...nice number! I likey. You just concentrate on keepin' them growing, got it?

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  37. OMG! OMG! OMG! YAY! So effing exciting - keep breathing :)

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  38. That's a great beta! Yee haw! Keep rising, rock star :o)

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  39. So excited! I remain cautious as well but I'm very hopeful & happy for you! Yaaaaaaaaay!

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  40. Great news! Cautiously great, but great all the same!

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  41. GOOSEBUMPS + HAPPY DANCE + HELL YEAH! :) :)

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  42. Oh boy. Ohhhhh boy. Here you go again is right. Hoping with everything I got that this is it for you. Deep breaths, deep breaths. (can i cautiously sneak in a congrats?!)

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  43. This is WONDERFUL! I know - believe me, I know - how tenuous it still feels. But try to bask in where you are now. Pregnant!!!! Fantastic!

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  44. Oh my gosh, that's amazing! Wishing you nothing but more good news!

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  45. Fantastic... sending all positive vibes your way :)

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