A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

An Unexpected Post; or, Scared of Perfection

Once upon a time, My best friend and I dreamed about the day we would have children. We were married one day apart, we planned to start trying within a few months of each other, so of course we would have babies on the same day! They would grow up to be best friends. Everything would be perfect.

Everything was not perfect.

She got pregnant her first month trying, and I...didn't. I threw her baby shower and then four days later had a miscarriage. She gave birth to her son, and I cried tears that were both in celebration and mourning. But through the next months and years, she was there for me. She even sent flowers on the m&m's due date, the only person in my life who remembered (and yes, this includes Lawyer Guy). She was the first person I told about Smudgie, at 5 weeks, when I was losing my mind with fear. She knew just what to say to comfort me without giving false hope.

She e-mailed me last night. She is 12 weeks pregnant. Her husband wouldn't let her tell anyone before now. She is due three weeks after me, also in October.

This is great news. I've mentioned before that she is a navy doctor and she was in fact scheduled to be deployed to Afghanistan this summer. That is now, thankfully, off the table, for which I am beyond glad. Babies are always good news, right? Always a blessing and always a joy. I love her sweet 1-year-old son. I know I will love this little one, too.

And finally, two years later than hoped for, this is it. This is that perfect we wanted. Two best friends, pregnant together. Two babies nearly the same age and destined to be friends.

So why am I crying? And why am I suddenly more scared than I have been since our last ultrasound? Why does something that once seemed inevitable now feel impossible?

Why am I still so broken? Why can't I escape the "What ifs"?

I don't think perfect exists for me anymore or ever will again. And on good days, I don't mind that. I'm even grateful for it.

But right now, I don't know how to end this post. With the excitement I don't feel yet, or the sadness that isn't even close to as cutting as I know sadness can be. With joy in friendship or with loneliness.

I can try to end it with hope. And I can hope to feel hopeful again soon.


  1. ((HUGS)) Just keep reminding yourself that her happiness last time was NOT the cause of your sadness, and it is PERFECTLY 100% POSSIBLE for you BOTH to experience that joy together this time. Hang in there Sloper...

  2. Wow. That's incredible. And I think it will be absolutely wonderful to have newborns near each other in age. I TOTALLY get your nervousness and worry and sadness. But I also 100% believe that you will end up with a take-home baby this fall.

  3. Loneliness. I think that nails it.

    It will be such a happy thing! Such a blessing to share your pregnancies! It for sure WILL be. Right now, well, it makes you feel a bit forlorn. I know exactly what you mean. Hugs, Sloper.

  4. That's so incredibly awesome. It's amazing that you have such a great, committed friend. It's also amazing that one of your lifelong dreams seems to be coming true. I know that the infertile in you is doing everything to protect itself right now. That's inevitable. However, try to take this in. Relish it.

  5. I know how you feel. My best friend is 2 weeks behind me and I am scard she will get her healthy baby and something will happen and I won't. Then I will always have a reminder. It's petrifying.

  6. Because through IF, we determine that we are, in fact, broken and beyond repair. And that dreams don't come true for us. That unabashed happiness will never be ours, not really. Although nobody will ever tell us those things, it's what we tell ourselves - fair or unfair. That mindset becomes our reality. Negativity is far harder a habit to break than optimism.

    I'm crying with you, and for you. And my hope is that you (we) realize that happiness isn't something unfairly reserved for others; that we can have it, too.

    And that sometimes, dreams really do come true. Like this one is for you. XO

  7. First, I adore your best friend. She sounds like such a great, close friend and confidante. And second, I totally get what you're saying. I honestly think that we'll have this feeling of "What if" throughout the entire pregnancy. IF has done that to us and we can't erase our past and what we've experienced. We just can't. So instead we push on, knowing that even though we can't change a thing we're still scared to death about ... everything.

    I just keep telling myself that the doctors said everything is ok, just like they've said about Smudgie. And I have to learn to trust in them. It's amazingly difficult to do. But I guess it's part of letting go, therapy for us infertiles, if you will.

    Hang in there. I'm hoping that the hope you once felt returns. I know it will. xoxo

  8. Reading this post reminded me of me a year ago. We lost our son at 5 1/2 months and it is something i deal with almost daily still. Then about a month after 1 of my best friends tells me she is pregnant. I wanted to tell her so badly that we were trying again but was unsure because I felt false hope and I didn't know how to be happy to "maybe" have a baby again.

    Then a month or so after that we found out we were pregnant and I was due only 2 months after her.

    At 20 weeks I found out I was having a girl, just like her. It was then that I feared the worse! I wanted to be happy but what if it wasn't going to happen and the 'what if's' just kept coming. But her pregnancy seemed like it kept my pregnancy and hope alive and exactly 2 months and 3 days after she gave birth, I too gave birth to a beautiful girl and to watch these 2 girls about to turn 1 and play together all the tims is something I thought I could only dream about.

    So the point is, the what if's aren't going to go away, it's something we'll always live with and deal with as a scar of life, we'll be jaded forever because of the things we've gone through but you'll eventually get your happy ending. ANd it's not until you see your little one playing with her litle one that you'll be able to sit back and breathe a sigh of relief.

  9. That is so sweet and wonderful and exciting, and I'm so sorry you can't enjoy it to the fullest :-(

  10. IF scars run deep and it's impossible to ever look at pregnancy or motherhood without the waves of fear, jealousy, all that stuff. But remember that we also have the gift of being so incredibly thankful for what we have. Even though it's not as you'd imagined, it will still be special to share your pregnancy with your sweet friend.

  11. ((hugs))

    The scars really do run deep like AplusB said, it's so hard to shake that feeling that it's never, ever going to happen for us. I still feel that way and I'm 34 weeks along. But, this is happening, sweetie. Smudgie is here to stay and your friend's baby and smudgie will be friends too. xo

  12. even if a little later, i'm soo glad that you're having babies at the same time and that they will grow up to hopefully be great friends as well!! the fear won't ever fully go away, but you're doing great. just wait until smudgie starts kicking, and you'll be in heaven. and the reassurances from those kicks will be huge :o) xoxo.

  13. I realized something the other day: being pregnant doesn't mean an end to mourning. We carry that mourning with us, even while we're glad to be here. It doesn't negate the gladness, or the hope, but they're uneasy bedfellows.

    I can understand your sudden fear. I don't think it's going to be realized, in any shape or form. But I understand it. Having gone through a period in which things have gone badly it is very, very difficult to believe that they might actually go well.

    Hugs, Sloper. You are doing great.

  14. The issue is nitrites. The jury is out... but google 'nitrites and pregnancy' to see some of the various issues and controversies.

    I just decided to steer clear and eat only nitrite-free bacon (uncured) during pregnancy... but it's prob. fine!

  15. Pregnancy doesn't fix the brokenness of your loss. It's ok to feel this way!

  16. I can understand your feelings. You have been through a lot. You are being cautious. I am happy for you though. I hope you can find peace in this dream come true.

  17. I've just nominated you for a much deserved Versatile Blogger award!!! You can pick up your award on my blog! http://ourstorkgotlost.blogspot.com

  18. This is the same range of emotion i went through when i found out my sister in law was pregnant at the same time i was, and i was alreaady 3 months pregnant. it's hard to explain the feeling of overwhelming anxiety, happiness, and fear. it was wonderful to know the babies would be the sme age, but i couldn't shake the feeling of "what if". you know what i mean. good luck to you both, this is going to be such a fun time for you ladies!