As I walked to my OB's office for the NT scan yesterday, I couldn't help remembering making a very similar walk exactly a year before. On both March 24ths, the sky was the same vivid blue and the sun bright but chilly. On both days, I trekked up the hill toward Central Park, unsure of what I would feel or find when I reached my destination. And on both days, I felt a similar sweaty-palmed sort of worry about what was going to happen and how I'd be able to handle it. So as I tried to fight back tears yesterday afternoon, I reminded myself that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I'm capable of rising above my worst self when I need to.
Thank God, I didn't need to.
All continues well on the Smudgie front, which elicited huge, huge sighs of relief from both Lawyer Guy and I.
They gooped me up like a regular pregnant lady having a regular ultrasound. My baby looked like a regular baby, with the cutest little nose and fattest little pot belly. His heart beat steadily away, a regular 169 bpm.
Even so, I couldn't quite let go of the fear I hold onto like a worry doll. As amazing as it was to see the tech wake Smudgie up with a jab of the probe against my lower abdomen, I was still tensely fearing the news we might get.
The anxiety spiked again as we walked into the MFM specialist's office to get our results. And the first thing he said when we walked into his office was, "I have really great news for you."
My OB practice runs the sonography lab where we had the ultrasound done--it's right on site--so this doctor is one of the guys who could potentially deliver Smudgie if everything works out. Fortunately, he was just as nice and compassionate as all the other docs in the practice have been, eager to put our fears at rest as quickly as possible.
The great news is that Smudgie's development looks normal and healthy right now and my risk for trisomies is really, really low: I have the risk factor of a 20-year-old. So glad I had the test done! With a risk factor of 1 in 1,400 for downs and 1 in 10,000 for other trisomies, we have decided against any more invasive testing.
There was one little bit of not-as-good news. Apparently my papp-a levels are low, and low papp-a levels in the third trimester have been linked to lower birth weight. Some practices don't really do anything with this information, but my docs like to be more cautious, so I'll be having growth scans every four weeks in the third trimester (or after 30 weeks, I can't remember which). That's fine with me. As the other doctor I saw back upstairs afterward said, I can think of it as getting some extra high-quality scans that I wouldn't ordinarily have.
Our follow-up appointment with the OB upstairs was short. I was able to ask her about my sleeplessness (she said it's fine to take Benadryl) and some other minor complaints. My Level I anatomy scan is scheduled for 4 weeks from now, and she asked me if I wanted to come to the office for a quick mini-scan in between to put my mind at ease. I said I felt like I should force myself to fight my fears and wait the four weeks, even though I'd probably want the extra peek, and she said, "Don't torture yourself for no reason. Let's just schedule the appointment and maybe you'll sleep better." So we've got another appointment set up in two weeks.
I feel so happy that everything went great yesterday. As awful as the anxiety was in anticipation, I'm very glad I did the scan because this peace of mind is worth so much. And I know that there's still a long, long way to go. But as usual, I'm going to try to enjoy the happiness and peace and excitement while I feel them.
(I also want to add a quick note about the sharing the sonograms of Smudgie. I haven't posted any for several reasons: worry about jinxing things, wanting to spare my friends and readers who are still struggling, technical incompetence. But maybe the biggest reasons why I haven't posted them is one I never expected. They feel too private and too precious to share. I'm just not ready to put them out in public yet, and I honestly don't know if I ever will be.)
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
11 months ago