A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Thoughts on Saturday; or, 11w1d

I'd like to introduce you to a little friend of mine. This is Bella:

She's our almost 5-year old (sniff! Where does the time go?) Havanese pup, and our lives would have been much less bearable over the last two years if it weren't for her. She is such a furry little clown and so full of love. Lawyer Guy calls her the Anxiety Sponge, because whenever we had a particularly bad day or week and were worried about ever having children, we would snuggle with her on the couch and she would lick us and we'd start to feel a little better.

For a few days last week, Bella was acting completely bonkers. She was skittish and anxious and demanded to be on my lap at all times. She would follow me from room to room, hovering around my legs. I accidentally kicked her several times when I turned suddenly to go somewhere else and found her right underneath me. When I sat at the kitchen table and used my computer, she would put her front paws up against my legs and stare at me beseechingly and scratch at me until I lifted her on my lap.

At first we thought she was sick, but her appetite was fine, she enjoyed all her walks, nothing seemed to hurt or ail her, and she wasn't having any tummy issues. Then I realized that she must be sensing the pregnancy and reacting to it. We were amazed that she was so intuitive to what was going on in my body.

For the last 4 days or so, though, she's been back to normal. Either she's gotten used to what's going on, my hormones have changed, or...something bad has happened.

It's really hard for me not to read into literally everything that happens or doesn't happen with this pregnancy as a bad sign, even though I'm trying so hard not to. My previous slight nausea has now gone away, and I can accept that as I approach the end of first tri that sort of thing happens. But more worrying is that my appetite has also subsided, right when I thought it was supposed to be amping up. I'm not sure what to make of it. My skin was great for about a month, but now I'm having little breakouts again. Only my boobs and my chronic gas and my early-onset evening exhaustion are still the same.

Even at 11 weeks, I can't shake the fear of another missed miscarriage. The NT scan is on Thursday, and I'm worried about bad results or unfortunate diagnoses, but I'm more worried about Smudgie's heart just not beating any longer.

I read online that my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. Then I look down at myself and I just don't see how that's possible. I don't feel different enough. This doesn't seem real. Will it ever?

Despite my fears, I am so glad to be at 11w1d today. I am so glad to have seen Smudgie's healthy heart beating away four separate times. I am glad to have another chance to see him this week. I am glad that last night I dreamed of giving birth to a little boy, and it was all calm and happy and everyone was healthy, and the only problem was that my epidural apparently caused short-term amnesia.

Keep going, Smudgie. We love you and will be the very best parents we can be if you'll just stick around and let us try.


  1. bella is sooo cute.
    I just wanted to wish you luck this week at your NT scan, keep us posted.

  2. Okay, here's a different twist on Bella's recent development:

    Although she does know something's up, she was also sensing your anxiety about it. When you started having some good days, she took a break. Smudgie's still fine, it just wore her out a little being the protector. She'll get back to it.

    My cat was the same way. At first, she would not leave me alone. Then I went through a spell of a few weeks where she was all "eh, whatever, bitch" and now she's been on BabyWatch again.

    (((Hugs))) Breathe, Slopie. You're doing great. I have faith that Smudgie's dancin' up a storm, you just can't feel it yet.

    Also? Bella is ADORABLE!!!

  3. Even though we've all seen and been through terrible things, the norm is that the heart doesn't stop beating. Just keep reassuring yourself of that even though you probably don't feel "norm" yourself. We'll all be here anxiously awaiting the results on Thursday! And your little protector is super cute, by the way!

  4. My heart goes out to you, I found the anxiety before the NT Scan absolutely unbearable. You WILL get through this week and the appt is going to be awesome. Everything is perfect with Smudgie, everything is as it should be. Sweet little Bella is just getting used having a little brother/sister in Mama's tummy. :) As for the symptoms—folks with nausea often find it tapering off as they approach the 2T (which you are rapidly approaching!!). And btw, my appetite has been all over the map (just like it is outside of pregnancy), please don't read into that symptom!! Hang tough Slopie, all is well!!! xoxo

  5. I'm right there with you, Sloper. It is so frightening, and so hard not to pull apart everything. I see signs everywhere (yes, also in my pup's behavior). But the fact is that reading too much into symptoms (or external signs!) is just no good. It doesn't work. We don't possess that degree of prescience. Thank goodness.

    So glad that second trimester is approaching. My hope (for both of us): a beautiful NT, and a beautiful transition to the calmer waters of the next few months.

  6. My pups so want to meet Bella! What a doll. Aren't our dogs amazing? Best of everything for the scan this Thursday and thank you so much for all your support. xoxoxoxo

  7. I wish there was something I could do to take away the fear and worry. Instead of our past suffering filling some quota or something, it just seems to prime us for even more, even if only in our minds. I'll be thinking of you and your healthy, perfect baby til Thursday.

  8. Bellaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

    As far as the grapefruit ute and not really being able to tell, supposedly during IVF your ovaries swell to navel orange/grapefruit-y size. Both of them (assuming both are responding), and I couldn't tell. Well, except for when I peed, holy hell, but that's kind of a different anatomical consideration (and thank you, Body Worlds, for allowing me to see WHY it hurts to pee at the end of an IVF stim cycle). Anyway, so yeah. THere's that.

  9. Oh man, what a cute pup!

    I totally understand your worry, but you should take a lot of comfort in those four healthy ultrasounds. You're almost to your big NT scan, too! That's awesome because you get to stare at Smudgie for so much longer than usual.

  10. Bella is a DOLL! Can I come over for some kisses???

    I think the Doppler is perfect for times like this. you should be able to use it around now. If you want, send me an email with your address and I'll send you mine to borrow. You only need it until you can regularly feel movement, around 18-20 weeks. You can just send it back to me when you get to that phase (I'll need it for #2- fingers crossed).

    I thought of you when I wrote about qualifying exams--"sloper should relate to this" was my fleeting thought. add a horror movie and some hiking boots to the experience, and you'd be all trained up for smudgie's debut!

  11. I think Miss Bella only finally realized your were preggers, not that something was wrong. I truly believe in my heart that Smudgie is here to stay, Sloper. This is your miracle and he'll be here in October and you and LG will be SO happy.

    I wish it were Thursday already for you to ease your anxiety. It'll come soon. Just 48 hours. Hang in there. xoxo