I'd like to introduce you to a little friend of mine. This is Bella:
She's our almost 5-year old (sniff! Where does the time go?) Havanese pup, and our lives would have been much less bearable over the last two years if it weren't for her. She is such a furry little clown and so full of love. Lawyer Guy calls her the Anxiety Sponge, because whenever we had a particularly bad day or week and were worried about ever having children, we would snuggle with her on the couch and she would lick us and we'd start to feel a little better.
For a few days last week, Bella was acting completely bonkers. She was skittish and anxious and demanded to be on my lap at all times. She would follow me from room to room, hovering around my legs. I accidentally kicked her several times when I turned suddenly to go somewhere else and found her right underneath me. When I sat at the kitchen table and used my computer, she would put her front paws up against my legs and stare at me beseechingly and scratch at me until I lifted her on my lap.
At first we thought she was sick, but her appetite was fine, she enjoyed all her walks, nothing seemed to hurt or ail her, and she wasn't having any tummy issues. Then I realized that she must be sensing the pregnancy and reacting to it. We were amazed that she was so intuitive to what was going on in my body.
For the last 4 days or so, though, she's been back to normal. Either she's gotten used to what's going on, my hormones have changed, or...something bad has happened.
It's really hard for me not to read into literally everything that happens or doesn't happen with this pregnancy as a bad sign, even though I'm trying so hard not to. My previous slight nausea has now gone away, and I can accept that as I approach the end of first tri that sort of thing happens. But more worrying is that my appetite has also subsided, right when I thought it was supposed to be amping up. I'm not sure what to make of it. My skin was great for about a month, but now I'm having little breakouts again. Only my boobs and my chronic gas and my early-onset evening exhaustion are still the same.
Even at 11 weeks, I can't shake the fear of another missed miscarriage. The NT scan is on Thursday, and I'm worried about bad results or unfortunate diagnoses, but I'm more worried about Smudgie's heart just not beating any longer.
I read online that my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit. Then I look down at myself and I just don't see how that's possible. I don't feel different enough. This doesn't seem real. Will it ever?
Despite my fears, I am so glad to be at 11w1d today. I am so glad to have seen Smudgie's healthy heart beating away four separate times. I am glad to have another chance to see him this week. I am glad that last night I dreamed of giving birth to a little boy, and it was all calm and happy and everyone was healthy, and the only problem was that my epidural apparently caused short-term amnesia.
Keep going, Smudgie. We love you and will be the very best parents we can be if you'll just stick around and let us try.
Reinvention of a blog
6 months ago