A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Worry Wart; or, Random Rambling

This post is about worry.

I know, I know. Everything I post is about worry. That is true. What can I say, I have a theme.

I've been worrying a lot the last week, the closer we get to tomorrow's NT scan. I did some foolish things over the weekend, reading the blogs of women with late losses, with bad scan results, or who suddenly miscarried at EXACTLY the gestation I was yesterday (brilliant, Sloper, brilliant). It made for a rough Saturday and Sunday.

I also finally started feeling round ligament pains over the weekend, and until I figured out what they were, I was pretty freaked. A sudden sharp pain in the uterine region is not something you want to feel when you're already worried about the health of your baby. For once, Dr. Google was on my side and a quick search of "sharp pain while pregnant after coughing" diagnosed the problem. Since then I've experienced both kinds of RLP: the sudden, sharp, short pain and the low, dull ache. The later (which I have felt all morning) tends to worry me more.

I reached my lowest point on Sunday at church. Something about attending church while pregnant terrifies me, yet I feel like I have to go or God will smite me with an empty ute. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything but praying over and over again, "Please let my baby be okay, please let my baby be okay." And I hate making really specific prayers like that, because I always feel like it's an unfair challenge to God. I'm usually more the, "Dear Lord, give me strength to accept whatever path I must follow in life" type.

Anyway, the upshot of all this rambling is that I decided to try to give up worrying for Lent. Someone made the brilliant point that you're supposed to give up something you *like* doing, rather than something you hate. But I also feel like you should give up something that's a real challenge to part with. And stopping worrying will certainly be a challenge. I don't expect I'll go cold-turkey with the anxiety, but maybe I'll be a little more conscious of my thoughts and make a bit more of an effort to use my relaxation techniques, which can only be a good thing.

My youngest sister finally returned from her trip abroad, but she couldn't come out to Brooklyn for lunch with us on Sunday, which is when we wanted to tell her about the pregnancy, and then we kept missing each other's phone calls. When that didn't work out, I decided I'm going to wait until after the NT scan (if it goes okay) to tell her. My mom gave me some grief about this, but I finally broke down crying on the phone and explained that I CAN'T tell new people before a scan. It makes my anxiety way too intense. I don't even like talking about the pregnancy. I don't like my family calling to ask how I feel. I need to protect myself in a bubble of solitude and make it through the days as best as I can.

So, Sister #3 will be the last family member by far to know, which fact I'm sure would piss her off if she knew, but I honestly can't worry about that right now. I'm not trying to keep things from her. She was gone and then I had to protect myself. She'll find out soon enough, either way.

One more day to go. Somehow I have to teach a class tomorrow morning. At least it's on Jane Eyre, so I'll enjoy it. And then...

Please be okay, Smudgie. Please be strong and healthy. We want so very much to meet you in October.

[Update]: Thank you to those who have offered to lend me dopplers. While I am tempted (boy am I tempted) to accept, LG and I decided at the beginning of this pregnancy not to use one, and he is holding me to that promise. We're worried it will feed the fear rather than mitigate it. He's also worried I'll become obsessed with using it. Where did he get that crazy idea????


  1. Sending you warm and positive thoughts for your scan!


  2. Round ligament pains are so unnerving. I still get a bit freaked when I feel them, I get the dull, constant ache when I'm walking often. you get used to them after a while, but they're never fun.

    Wishing you the best of luck for the scan tomorrow. i know lil Smudgie is going to look perfect!

  3. I'm a worrier too so I know how you feel. I hope that everything goes great for you tomorrow!!

  4. I'll be sending you good thoughts for your NT scan. I really believe that everything is a-ok and that Smudgie will be putting on a show for you.

    Let us know how the stopping-worrying goes for you. That's a skill that I would love to learn, but I just don't see it happening any time soon..

  5. Sending positive thoughts for your NT scan! *hugs*

  6. Is that what that is? Round ligament pain? I felt a TON of it last night after dinner and while taking a walk w/DH after dinner. Just an achy feeling and fullness down there that I'm just not used to.

    I'm not going to tell you you're crazy to be worried about the scan tomorrow b/c I'm in the same boat and worrying every day about it. I, too, don't ask God that the baby's OK, but to just give me strength to get through it if something is wrong or comes up.

    Hang in there. It's so close. And then when it's all done and wonderful you can ride on that post-scan high into 12 weeks :).

  7. Yeah, it's scary!!! I'm looking forward to hearing from you on the other side of the scan.

  8. I'm sending you all sorts of positive thoughts for your scan.

  9. I completely understand your need to wait until after the NT scan to tell any more people. I am the same way each time I get closer to an appointment. It's like telling someone the day before I see the kid again is just asking for trouble.

    I hope your scan goes beautifully! They're longer than the regular ones, so that's the awesome part to look forward to.

  10. i'm glad you're passing on the doppler. even thought i had one, there were times when i couldn't find the heartbeat, bc i'm apparently an idiot and could never figure out how to use it correctly. luckily, i never panicked and just *assumed* that it was human error, and not that something was wrong. i am no longer a fan of the doppler in general though.

    totally get not wanting to share baby news before a big scan. i was the same way. i'd be on a high for a few days after a good u/s, and then if someone asked me about the baby after my high ended, i wouldn't respond until after the NEXT good scan. otw, i thought i'd be jinxing myself.

    positive, positive thoughts for tomorrow! hope the time passes by quickly so that you're done and can breathe a HUGE sigh of relief! xoxo.

  11. good luck on your scan!!!! Stay far, far away from those scary blogs/posts (including my own). I will be sending lots of good thoughts your way.

  12. Good luck with the scan. I thought it was Friday? It's going to go great and you're going to be so happy to see Smudgie. As for the doppler, I rented one and it was a double edged sword. There were times i was so glad to have it and times when it created unnecessary worries. I'd say stay away from it. Before you know you're going to feel the baby moving and that will be enough.

  13. I did the exact same thing before my NT Scan, so I can completely understand. I hope that it gets here quickly (and that the minutes don't feel like hours) and you have a wonderful scan.

    You're in my thoughts...

  14. Sloper, I am sending you some powerful, good thoughts for tomorrow.

  15. I am sending you a powerful cup of anti-anxiety to serve alongside this dish of well wishes. Really great thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

  16. Im new to your blog but I love it immediately just from your 'about me'. I lost a child at 5 1/2 months and then we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl almost a year later. Those "pains" you feel are normal and the anxiety will not go away until that baby is in your arms calling you 'mama' as you say.

    I too go to the same Dr. Google for all my ailments, however many a times from the diagnoses i had short times to live so i'm glad i'm still here blogging and not seeing that Dr. much any longer.

    Hope all goes well with your NT scan. Now you've got a new blogger friend keeping you in her prayers.

  17. I could hardly believe when I found your blog, its title is something I understand much too well. I live in Brooklyn and my daily life revolves around that god-forsaken neighborhood. So beautiful, so full of life and hope, but so sad for those of us still on the waiting end of things. I hope, hope, hope for a good outcome from your scan, and encourage you YES! to leave worry aside as much as possible. Much easier said than done, but do try. Best wishes.