This post is about worry.
I know, I know. Everything I post is about worry. That is true. What can I say, I have a theme.
I've been worrying a lot the last week, the closer we get to tomorrow's NT scan. I did some foolish things over the weekend, reading the blogs of women with late losses, with bad scan results, or who suddenly miscarried at EXACTLY the gestation I was yesterday (brilliant, Sloper, brilliant). It made for a rough Saturday and Sunday.
I also finally started feeling round ligament pains over the weekend, and until I figured out what they were, I was pretty freaked. A sudden sharp pain in the uterine region is not something you want to feel when you're already worried about the health of your baby. For once, Dr. Google was on my side and a quick search of "sharp pain while pregnant after coughing" diagnosed the problem. Since then I've experienced both kinds of RLP: the sudden, sharp, short pain and the low, dull ache. The later (which I have felt all morning) tends to worry me more.
I reached my lowest point on Sunday at church. Something about attending church while pregnant terrifies me, yet I feel like I have to go or God will smite me with an empty ute. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything but praying over and over again, "Please let my baby be okay, please let my baby be okay." And I hate making really specific prayers like that, because I always feel like it's an unfair challenge to God. I'm usually more the, "Dear Lord, give me strength to accept whatever path I must follow in life" type.
Anyway, the upshot of all this rambling is that I decided to try to give up worrying for Lent. Someone made the brilliant point that you're supposed to give up something you *like* doing, rather than something you hate. But I also feel like you should give up something that's a real challenge to part with. And stopping worrying will certainly be a challenge. I don't expect I'll go cold-turkey with the anxiety, but maybe I'll be a little more conscious of my thoughts and make a bit more of an effort to use my relaxation techniques, which can only be a good thing.
My youngest sister finally returned from her trip abroad, but she couldn't come out to Brooklyn for lunch with us on Sunday, which is when we wanted to tell her about the pregnancy, and then we kept missing each other's phone calls. When that didn't work out, I decided I'm going to wait until after the NT scan (if it goes okay) to tell her. My mom gave me some grief about this, but I finally broke down crying on the phone and explained that I CAN'T tell new people before a scan. It makes my anxiety way too intense. I don't even like talking about the pregnancy. I don't like my family calling to ask how I feel. I need to protect myself in a bubble of solitude and make it through the days as best as I can.
So, Sister #3 will be the last family member by far to know, which fact I'm sure would piss her off if she knew, but I honestly can't worry about that right now. I'm not trying to keep things from her. She was gone and then I had to protect myself. She'll find out soon enough, either way.
One more day to go. Somehow I have to teach a class tomorrow morning. At least it's on Jane Eyre, so I'll enjoy it. And then...
Please be okay, Smudgie. Please be strong and healthy. We want so very much to meet you in October.
[Update]: Thank you to those who have offered to lend me dopplers. While I am tempted (boy am I tempted) to accept, LG and I decided at the beginning of this pregnancy not to use one, and he is holding me to that promise. We're worried it will feed the fear rather than mitigate it. He's also worried I'll become obsessed with using it. Where did he get that crazy idea????
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