A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Tea and Sympathy; or, the Next Two Weeks

Lawyer Guy and I had breakfast this morning at Le Pain Quotidien, in what is becoming a while-they-mix-the-magic-sauce-up tradition. He's always very relieved when his contribution is over, so it's a nice time to check in with each other and decompress a little. We talked today about what might come next and about how we've both been coping with it all. Then as we were finishing, he said, "This is going to work. This is going to be the one that works."

As he said the words, I realized how much I wanted to hear them. This is strange because I never say those words, not even to myself, not even in the quiet spaces of my head or while I'm walking alone through the snowy city streets. I try even to avoid "If this works" constructions and focus instead on everything we will try next month or the month after when this avenue fails for us, too.

But perhaps I'm not afraid of hope so much as I'm afraid of being hopeful. And if someone else is willing to carry that burden of hopefulness for me, I'm willing to partake of some vicarious optimism.

The procedure went well. The nurse was super fast, which made it all much more bearable. LG's sample was again quite good: 77 million and 87% motility post-wash. I didn't have another ultrasound after my disappointing one on Tuesday so I don't know how things were going ute-wise at insemination time, but I've been chugging red raspberry leaf tea by the barrel-full the last few days. I'm hoping that the lining has plumped up closer to 10mm. I'm hoping that the 13mmer follie took some steroids and swelled up like Barry Bonds before it popped. I hope I have two potentials this month, but I'm trying to be okay with only one.

I'm drinking a two-bag cup of tea right now, since it's the last day I'll let myself drink any before giving it up in the two-week wait. My yogi brand tea bags inform me that "Whatever character you give your children shall be their future" and "Happiness comes when you overcome the most impossible challenge." My impossible challenge for the next two weeks is to center my mind on writing and studying and all the dreams that are at least partially in my control. I'm sure that happiness will come when we overcome the most impossible of our challenges and that perfect happiness (or the closest thing to it) isn't achievable until that challenge is met. Still, I'm going to give this not-perfect happiness thing a try in the meantime.

17 comments:

  1. Oh, I hope so much that LG is right! I cannot wait to follow your pregnancy. In the meantime, I hope the 2ww passes quickly and is filled with writing inspiration.

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  2. Why are you giving up tea??? Is it caffeinated??
    Good luck and good job lawyer guy for saying the right thing!

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  3. How happy am I that LG said those words to you? Almost as happy as hearing that you could believe them. :)

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  4. Best of luck, I so hope LG is right!

    On follicle size, just wanted to say that it is unpredictable. I got pregnant with an itsy bitsy 17 mm follicle(seen on the morning of ovulation). Though the egg it released was missing an entire chromosome, it goes on to show you that size is irrelevant,bigger is not necessarily better. God only knows what is.

    You've got the right attitude, all we can do is try to find joy in the moment..thank god for the many distractions/diversions we have access to!

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  5. I always love those little Yogi tea tag fortunes. ;)

    I'm with LG on this one, SS. Full-heartedly.

    XX

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  6. I hope LG is right :-)

    Best of luck during the wait, I hope it flies by and you can focus on your writing and studying.

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  7. Wishing you the best outcome and sending hope your way!

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  8. "But perhaps I'm not afraid of hope so much as I'm afraid of being hopeful."

    I like that. I mean, I don't like that you're afraid of being hopeful, but I like how you phrased it. I feel the same.

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  9. Glad that you've got this IUI under your belt. I think your chances are GOOD. LG's sample was great and I really think you've got more than one plump, ripe follie in there just waiting to become a Park Slope Prince/ss!!!

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  10. It's odd, sometimes, how we don't 'realize' something until it pops out of the mouths of our boys. And often, they are the only ones who can say it and truly comfort us. (((Hugs))) I'm glad you had a good talk with LG, and cheers to your 2ww. May it be swift and end in perfect happiness.

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  11. I'm so hopeful for this round, too. I like that you guys have a little ritual during IUI. We do, too, and it always feels like a little bonding "just for us" time.

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  12. wishing you the very best of luck. We went to sit in LPQ as well while waiting for our IUI's (so funny!!!)
    Remember its ok to have hope but also ok during the times that you don't. Just take it one step at a time. Good luck in the 2ww.

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  13. I love the positivity, and I am insanely jealous of those numbers. That's amazing! I hope LG is right, and that this is it. You'll be in my thoughts during this 2WW.

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  14. I am going with LG here and holding out a crapload of hope for you this cycle.

    I know it's hard to let yourself be optimistic and believe...so we'll do it for you.

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  15. I absolutely LOVE that you're allowing yourself to feel the positivity! My theory about that has always been this: I allowed myself to be doom and gloom with a few cycles and IUIs (No, it won't work. What's next?) and then I allowed myself to be positive with a few cycles and IUIs (Yes, this WILL work!). And what I found is that no matter which approach I took I always hurt the same. The pain of a failed cycle took as much of a toll on me when I was negative as when I was positive. So I decided from here on out that I would remain positive about every cycle b/c no matter what I do, it can't erase the pain.

    I 100% agree with everyone about the follie, too. I bet that 2nd one plumped right up and maybe is the special one that will be your baby :). I really, really hope so.

    Cheers to IUI #3, moving on, and getting this over with...with a BFP in 2 weeks :). xo

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  16. I think it's wonderful that LG is carrying the torch of hope, and know exactly what you mean about having someone else do that when you can't allow it for yourself.

    In the next two weeks, I am wishing you a lot of peace, and a lot of centered-ness, and a lot of time, well spent, on the dreams within your control.

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  17. I am hoping so very hard that this cycle is your happy ending. I am sure your lining plumped up and there is a good chance that 13mmer matured in time. Wishing you the very best of luck.

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