A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hope and Hunger; or, How I Spent My Winter Vacation

So here we all are. Back together again. New year, same us. Four days in and I'm all ready to sum up 2011 with one word: Hungry.

That's probably because I began an intense 28-day detox/cleanse yesterday, the day we traveled home from the Bahamas, and I have had no wheat, soy, eggs, corn, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, packaged foods, or added sugar in the last 24 hours. I started taking 150 mgs of Clomid a night the day before the cleanse began. So I'm malnourished, hormonal, and travel-fatigued: yup, about ready to rip off my own arm and eat it raw with just a little salt. After I finish typing this post, I'm off to the grocery store to stock up on all the things I'm allowed to eat during these weeks of torture disguised as self-improvement.

But I'm hungry for a lot of things right now, not all of them carbs. I'm hungry for success and accomplishment and satisfaction. I want to feel good about myself again, inside and outside (but today, strangely, mostly inside). I want to feel again like I'm the girl who goes after her dreams and wins. I want to look at my reflection with pride instead of disappointment.

But where was I? Of course, How I Spent My Winter Vacation. In all the lovely ways one would expect: with lots of reading and sitting by the pool or beach and drinking rum cocktails and dressing up for dinner and getting a massage and even hitting the gym multiple times. True to lovely form, my period showed up on New Year's Eve, which part of me wanted to take as an awesome sign that this was the LAST period of 2010 and there won't be any in 2011 and part of me wanted to take as a dreadful sign that the next year will just be one failed cycle after another.

But it wasn't a sign of anything except the fact that I'd ovulated 14 days before and wasn't pregnant, so I stopped thinking about it as soon as I could.

That night, we ate at a great sushi restaurant and then Lawyer Guy played blackjack while I drank and cheered him on (I don't mind watching other people gamble--even with our joint money--but I don't like doing it myself) and then we got more drinks and watched the fireworks over the harbor at midnight.

And I remembered that last year, I felt such relief when the calendar switched over and in the days later, even an incredible joy. Losing our m&m at the end of 2009 was such a deep stain on the year that I couldn't wait to change the clocks and switch the date to something that was bound to be better and happier. I had a whole year to get pregnant again, and I was certain it would happen.

And now I've got no certainty and not always much optimism, and I felt such failure as the yachts all around us started blowing their horns and people were cheering. One whole year later with nothing to show for it and me no closer to my dreams.*

*And of course there's much to show, and of course I'm closer every day, but that didn't matter at the time.

We kissed, and I started to cry a little, and I know LG was worried and a little frustrated that we'd been having a good time and all those inconvenient feelings had to rise to the surface, so I pushed them back down and looked back over the water and thought to myself:

"Okay, 2011. Do your worst."

Which was perhaps the sort of blithe dare I should have learned by now not to make, considering all the evidence I have of fate's awful sense of humor (and all the fairy tales I read as a kid). Maybe, at about 2 minutes and 30 seconds into the new year I doomed myself to twelve months of disaster. But I still feel invigorated when I think the words to myself. I feel strong and competent and resourceful and all the things I want to be because it's abundantly clear that 2009 couldn't break me and 2010 couldn't break me and 2011 won't either, whatever the tricks it has hidden in it's New Year's top hat.


  1. Geez, your cleanse sounds like my idea of hell. Perhaps that's why I need to lose about 40 lbs. Hmm...

    While I'm not surprised that you were a little flooded with the all of the emotions that closing one door and opening another brings, I'm glad you were still able to enjoy yourself.

    Welcome home. Missed you, Slopie. XOXO.

  2. You are much stronger than I am to be able to do that cleanse. I could give up most of it, but not dairy and certainly not my cup of coffee every morning. I tried to give up coffee once, but it didn't take long for me to get back on the wagon.

    I am so glad that you are back. I missed you. And I hope that 2011 brings wonderful things.

  3. Wow - major kudos for starting a cleanse! I've often thought about it but don't have the guts/willpower/self-control/etc to actually go through with it. I can't wait to see how you do over the next few weeks.

    Even without IF struggles, NYE always makes me emotional. At least you were in tropical locale, with a drink in hand and LG by your side. Whatever 2011 brings for you, know that you are doing all you can to make your dreams come true.

    Welcome back:)

  4. wishing you all good things in 2011. I think it is great that you are finding your strength and ability to survive through unimaginable circumstances. I think this is such an important lesson for us to learn, although I wish there were an easier path to getting there in the first place.
    Good luck with your cleanse and of course this next cycle!!!!

  5. 2011 may not bring us pregnancies, but it's definitely not gonna break us. I love this post because it really sums up my feelings, too. (Though much more eloquently than I could have done)

    Have an awesome year, babe.

  6. Great post-- I can't wait for you to get pregnant, and I'm rooting hard for no periods starting in 2011. I hope your cleanse does it's thing-- I am feeling blimpy and am a bit envious of the opportunity for weight loss (but not the hunger!!!).

  7. Oh I LOVE this post, Sloper! It's not only so well-written it's also just so TRUE. I cried, too, as the fireworks went off on New Year's. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was just pure emotions, but I sobbed and sobbed. It wasn't sadness--it was amazing hopefulness. Just like you said: 2009 and 2010 didn't break us. 2011 can't break us either. Cheers to IUI #3.

  8. I am hoping beyond hope that very soon into 2011 you get your miracle. But more importantly, you are an amazing and strong woman who is ready to face whatever 2011 brings.

    On a separate topic...and by no means am I trying to butt in here, but have you talked to your doc about doing the cleanse while on Clomid? You need to make sure your body is nourished!! I know the Fertility Diet recommends eating at least one serving of full fat dairy per day while TTC. Anyway, I'm sure you've done all the research and a cleanse is a nice way to start a new year :)

  9. I love that you are doing a cleanse on top of starting meds. I always do this and people think I'm crazy. I know you are going to feel fantastic and prepped despite being starved for all the good (yet bad) stuff.

    Your vacation also sounds like a perfect cap to this crap year. I'll admit that I also said something along the lines of "bring it on" as the clock ticked over to the new year, and I will imagine that rather than rising to your challenge, 2011 will realize how much other years have pissed you off and do very nice things, including having a family at the end of it. And I have my broadsword that slays bad years also at the ready to employ on your behalf should this year give you any unwanted trouble.

  10. i think the timing of your period coming on new year's EVE is a GREAT GREAT sign. no periods in 2011 please!!!!!!!!!!!! hoping beyond hope that the stork heads your way STAT :o) xoxo.

  11. I just started my 2011 exercise program. Can't walk today! Detox is great it makes you feel so good again!

  12. I'm impressed with your discipline, Sloper. And I also hope that you are able to find lots of good, nourishing food that is permitted by Plan Detox.

    It's hard in those moments not to have a moment of sadness. Something the male brain doesn't always understand. I had a moment like that myself on New Year's Eve and my husband looked at me in utter bafflement. Men:)

    I know that the blush is off the rose with this, that your hopes that you would be able to get back onto that pregnancy wagon quickly have evaporated. It's hard to face that. But - and this is a big thing - it's all crap until, very suddenly, one day it isn't. And you find yourself on that wagon again. And I hope that this happens in 2011.

  13. I'm doing a cleanse too! 4 weeks through a yoga class. Not sure how severe it will get, the first week just need to eliminate caffeine, artificial sweeteners, added sugars and a few others. I OD'd on sweets over the holidays anyway to happy to ignore them for a while!

    Thank you for the reminder that whatever happens this year, we WILL get through it. Amen to that, sister.