A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, January 31, 2011

So Far, So Good; or, Second Betas

So first of all, the most important news: second betas are in at 686 at 18 dpIUI. That's a tripling time of 72 hours. Not bad!

It was a rocky day getting to that point. I woke up around 3 am this morning to pee, tossed and turned for an hour after returning to bed, woke up again at 7 (to pee again), and had to get ready and get Bella to her doggy daycare so I could get to the RE's and spend the day in the city. After the blood draw, I went down to the library and tried to study--and I did manage to work for an hour or so. But I couldn't resist the lure of Dr. Google and he led me straight into the center of a panic attack. The tech who had drawn my blood had said I'd get the beta call between 2 and 6 pm. The closer we got to two o'clock, the tighter the knot in my stomach grew and the less I could breathe. I felt my heart racing when I pressed my hand to my chest and I could barely keep from crying. I was just so sure the PA would give me terrible news when she made the call, and I was losing my mind a bit from worry.

The office still hadn't called by the time I had to get to my therapy appointment (around the corner from my school) at 3:30, so I silenced my phone and went to the session. As soon as I told my therapist I was pregnant, I burst into tears. I then cried pretty constantly throughout the session. I told her all my fears: how this is going to end just like my first pregnancy did; how I'm obsessively imagining every potential future negative moment in this pregnancy and every past one with the m&m; how I can't imagine what the cells inside me are like because every time I try to picture them (as I did with the m&m) I think, "It's probably dead already, so what's the point."

(PS: I just read that last paragraph and realized that, the few times I've talked about this so far, I keep saying "I was pregnant" not "I am pregnant." Like, "On Friday, I found out I was pregnant." Gotta love amateur psychology).

Anyway, my therapist was great, as always. I am so glad I switched to her almost a year ago. I feel like our sessions together have made a profound difference in the way I cope with stress, not that you can tell from the way I've been acting lately. She said it was completely understandable why I would feel this way, but that I am making things emotionally worse for myself with my need to control the situation. I tend to need control to feel confident and not anxious, so in my anxiety about the uncertainty of this pregnancy, I'm seizing onto all my memories of the last one in order to convince myself that I know what's going to happen. And in the process, I'm mentally torturing myself into a bloody stump of a human being (my words, not hers).

Anyway, she proffered the radical idea at the end of the session that I assume for the time being that this is all going to work out. I'm not there yet. But I'm going to try to get there.

I had planned to wait until I got home to listen to the clinic's voice mail with Lawyer Guy, but in my new-found, post-therapy calm, I decided to just do it myself right there. Again, I limited expectations. I told myself that as long as the number didn't go down, I'd be okay with it. And then again it exceeded my wildest dreams! I never thought we'd get to 500, let alone almost 200 points above that!

I'm happy right now. That rush of relief after a good result is so wonderful and addictive. I'm not ready to read any more into this result than being happy that things are okay right now. But that's a lot better than I felt six hours ago.

25 comments:

  1. Yay! You have some awesome betas that are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. Going on to week 20 of my own pregnancy and STILL feeling like it's all going to fall apart, I know exactly how you're feeling. Before every ultrasound or doctor's appt., I manage to convince myself that the baby is dead. And it's exactly my own need to know outcomes and have control that destroys me emotionally. But all of that said, we have to remember that statistics are on our side (even though we've fallen on the wrong side before). I'm hoping that you keep finding little moments of zen. So happy for you!

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  2. Amazing betas! So excited for you! I know you're scared and anxious, as is normal, but try to rely on on those awesome beta numbers to keep you hopeful and excited.

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  3. So glad to read this! I'm in your same shoes right now, and it's so wrenching. Your numbers are great news!

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  4. Here's the reality . . . you will finally start to relax around week 25 or so! Until then it's nervewracking, but high early betas are a fantastic sign that things will work out. Good luck!

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  5. Awesome betas! Unfortunately, true relaxation is not going to be on the cards for a while, and that is truly a crime- these should be our happy, worry free days, and yet here we are turning into gibberish versions of ourselves...argh!

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  6. How on earth did I miss this???? Congratulations!!! Such great news about the great betas, too!

    I agree with your therapist. Try, as much as you can, to believe that everything is going to work out, which I know is scary.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  7. ROCK ON! You're doing great, Sloper. One day at a time. I'm trying to tell myself the disclaimer at the bottom of legal ads: "Past results are not an indication of future [failure]."

    Early on, someone told me something very profound and now I share it with you: This pregnancy is its own. It has every chance of success. It's not the same pregnancy as your previous one.

    ((((Hugs))))) my friend. I know where you're at. I'm glad you had an amazing second beta. Your little one is snuggling in, think happy thoughts for this one; mourning M&M is a separate matter. No less important, but separate.

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  8. Great news! I'm so happy for you!

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  9. What a great second beta! I am so happy for you, Sloper. :)

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  10. Great news. I know it is hard to beleive in this pregnancy. Hang in there and keep us posted.

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  11. I am over the freaking MOON for you, Slopie!!!!!!! That Beta kicks serious ass. This is happening!!!!

    I'm so glad you got a little perspective/calming/soothing/Zen in your therapy appt. Lean on the words and techniques you guys discussed. Lean on hubs. Breathe in, breathe out. Zen zen zen zen. You are doing awesome, and so is your baby!!!!! xoxo

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  12. Whoa what a great beta! I wish I had a therapist. :)

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  13. Yay!!!! Things are going so well! If I had a 'halfway there' section of my blogroll, I'd move you there immediately! I know you aren't out of the woods yet, but damn the trees are getting few and far between... I believe that things will keep going well for this pregnancy, and I am so excited about it!

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  14. Awesome second beta!!!

    And, yes, breathe and try as much as possible to believe in it. I know I'd have a hard time taking that advice, but it is good advice!

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  15. What a great second beta! Hang in there, babe.

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  16. OMG! I am OVER the moon for you, C! I can't wait to hear about the next round of betas and how they're tripled again! This is just fantastic!!! I'm elated for you :). xo

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  17. Great 2nd beta... very happy for you :)

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  18. fantastic second beta! hope the good news keeps on coming!

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  19. Just saw your news! Congratulations. I understand completely about the cautiousness though.

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  20. I'm so sorry about the terrible terrible anxiety about all this. If you ever figure out any magical ways to make that go away, barring giving birth to your healthy child, please let me know! My last few pregnancies turned me into an absolute basket case.

    But your beta results sound amazing!! I hope that you are hanging on to hope, and that this is THE ONE.

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  21. Your therapist sounds great. And the beta is - of course - really great! Stay strong but go easy on yourself if you have a bad day.

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