A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

More Dispatches from the Clomid Train; or, My Underachieving Ovaries and Me

After getting my follie-centered hopes up at Sunday's appointment, today's was a rough fall back to earth. I've got two follies on my left ovary (a 17mmer and a 13mmer) but I suspect that only the larger one is in play. There's nothing but a giant cyst on my right ovary which the doctor said has apparently been there a long time-- in fact, I think the same doctor noticed this cyst back during monitoring in November. And my lining blows. It's at an impressively awful 5.9.

I have to go back tomorrow morning for my trigger shot in the middle of a blizzard. No way I can drive, so I'll have to hope the subways are running. IUI will follow on Thursday.

I admit, I'm bummed. I thought 150 mg of Clomid would get us a number of follies to write home about. I'm not sure why, but my ovaries appear to absolutely hate this drug. At least I'll never have to take it again after this cycle. I'm sick of the headaches and the emotional turmoil and the thin-ass lining. Gonal-f has to be better, it just has to.

I've been telling myself I'm detached from this cycle. I've been convincing myself that I'm focused on my orals studying and my novel writing and that babies can take a mental backseat for the next six or so months. I'm disappointed enough today to suspect that none of that is true. But I am going to try very hard the next few weeks to focus on other, more fulfilling parts of my life than this one. And I'm going to try to forget about the tough conversations we'll be having with Dr. W next week if IUI #3 doesn't work.


  1. Oh sweet pea... I'm so sorry. I am so sorry that Clomid has not been kind to you, that the appointment did not go well, and that you are still dealing with this shit. Good news has to be coming your way soon...it just HAS to. XOXO.

  2. I'm so sorry you only had the one follicle. I did my first IUI December 30th along with clomid 150mg and only had one follicle also. I pray that one follicle is all you need.


  3. ugh, that totally sucks. I want you to know that my body did not respond well to clomid alone, but they switched me to follistim for IUI's and things were much better. That may be an option for you after this cycle (although I am really hoping that this works and that won't be needed).
    Good luck to you all around. I am hoping that the subway gods smile down on you tomorrow and it is not too hard to get around. But more importantly that this IUI goes well.

  4. I'm so sorry, Sloper. Clomid sucks :-(. I know one follie definitely isn't ideal, but I'll be hoping for you that it is *the* follie. If this month doesn't work, I'm glad you are done with evil clomid and onto injectables.

    hang in there.

  5. Oh Slopie, I'm sorry. For all the emotional turmoil you had this cycle the least the follies and lining could have done were give you some great numbers. But remember, all it takes is one to get you a baby (I know that sounds sooo cliche and I used to hate hearing it, but it really is true!).

    I hope your subway trip isn't too terrible tomorrow. Maybe this snow will keep lots of people home and it won't be too bad (my office is already preparing everyone for a "work at home" day). Good luck on Thursday!!!

  6. A lot can happen overnight.

    I thought I only had one follie in our successful cycle (an 18mm guy), but one of the little guys dropped an eggie. Hubs found a study that found anything over 12mm is officially in play, I believe the liklihood that a follie that small would hold and release a mature egg is something like 37%, with the odds rising as the follie grows (and then falling again in the early 20s). Just sayin'. As for your lining, don't forget that you fluffed up A TON on your first cycle between monitoring appts. All three of my REs said 6mm and up is just fine for implantation (and you are right there!). I didn't even get to 8mm on my successful cycle.

    I guess I am just totally not ready to count this cycle out, my friend. I know that's easy to say from where I'm sitting, but there it is. I betcha tomorrow brings bigger follies and fluffier lining. Take that, blizzard! And should you have to take Gonal-F, and I pray you do not, I will tell you that it was a WORLD of difference for me from Clomid. Like, I would love to say f- you to Clomid except it DOES work for so many bloggies so I can't totally hate it.

    Hang in! xoxo

  7. I'm so sorry that Clomid isn't giving the best results. And, the whole nasty emotional side effects that make the whole thing feel even worse suck gorilla balls. Blech.

    Still sending all the positive thoughts in the world to you for this cycle. I hope so much that your 17mmer does it for you. (Love "mmer." It makes me giggle a little. I'm not sure why...)

  8. Good luck Sloper-- I feel your disappointment. After all the negative effects, it doesn't even give you more follicles??? It really blows. At least now you know that Clomid is out for you, and I'm just hoping you won't have to try anything else...

  9. I hate that the Clomid made you feel like you did and that you didn't get the results that you were hoping for. Don't give up hope though.

    And good luck tomorrow getting there for the trigger in the snow!

  10. Damnitall. I'm sorry it was a rough day and a rough appointment. I'm in the ranks of those who are holding out hope for you, dear Slopie.

  11. I am sorry Sloper. I was hoping for a better report then this. Should you move on to injectables, Gonal-F will work miracles. I am going to continue to hold on to hope. Big hugs to you my friend. Please stay safe in that crazy weather.

  12. I am sorry :( Clomid is a beast, as is all of IF!!! Don't let go of all your hope yet though...fingers crossed for you!

  13. Boo ovaries. Why can't they give you a trigger shot to administer at home so you don't have to go in for it?

  14. Sorry you're bummed lady. I remember that frustration so well.

    GonalF IS better. I don't get any emotional garbage and my RE says it's much better for the lining than Clomid.

    Stay safe tomorrow!

  15. Sloper, I'm so sorry you are riding the Clomid rollercoaster. I think sometimes that there is no rhyme or reason to it - you can respond one way one month, and then the next month very differently. Things can look initially hopeful and then - very suddenly - not be. But I'm hoping that this snowy IUI ends up being THE ONE.

    C'mon, MTA. Get our Sloper where she needs to go!!

  16. Damnit! I am sorry for the rough appointment. However, I too am on the "the fat lady aint singing just yet" bandwagon. 13mm doesn't seem too small to be counted out just yet. On my succesful cycle my follies all grew between 2 and 4mm overnight, the night before trigger. So you just never know!

    In so many ways I think that the "best" cycles are the ones that don't go perfectly. They are kinda like weddings. Something ALWAYS goes wrong and later you can look back and laugh. I am so hoping that this is the case for you!!!

  17. Sloper, I'm so sorry it didn't go as planned but I just can't get out of my head that there's ONE fabulous follie there growing so well! And your lining is RIGHT there! And one cycle it was thin, too, but then fluffed up and was awesome. So I'm not counting this cycle out for you yet. I know mentally you may have checked out, but I'm holding hope that in 2 weeks we find out that IUI #3 was your lucky one.

    And, like you, I play that what if game and if this doesn't work, I truly believe Gonal-F will be your answer. It not only puts more follies in play but it helps your lining. Don't fear over that next step--even though you won't need it!--b/c it may be all the pushing you need :).

  18. What a shitty appointment. I'm so sorry. Clomid can really just go to hell.

    If this cycle doesn't work out, I think that Gonal-F is going to be a million times better.

    Still, in the meantime, I'm going to keep my hopes up for you. Stranger things have happened.

  19. Hey! I just swept by your blog. Found it through a mutual friend's. Wishing the best for you and looking forward to following your journey. I pray everything gets better for you and your get your baby soon!


  20. i'm hoping that your lining fluffed up nicely over night, and that at least one follie was nice and plump for this IUI. hope you're resting and relaxing now :o) my girlfriend had a bad lining and a midget follie on her 5th iui with clomid last year that ended up being a healthy little girl. weird shit happens all the time. i'm still hoping for twins for ya though. somehow, someway :o) xoxo.