A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Looking Backward; or, Last Year's Wishes

I gave up on the idea of New Year's resolutions a year ago. The fact that nothing I wanted out of 2010 could be gained through resolving to gain it just showed up the emptiness of the concept. I want a baby. Obviously. More than anything. And I will do whatever it takes to get one. And that might not be enough. And I don't have much control over when it will happen, if it ever does.

Sucks. But that's life.

Instead of resolutions, I made a series of posts about my wishes and my plans for the new year. And I figured I'd look back now--just a few weeks away from flipping to another new calendar--to see how things panned out.

Let me be blunt. My wishes didn't come true. I did okay with some of the less specific ones (like wishing that I'd appreciate my body for the things it can do rather than what it can't), but I just threw those in so I wouldn't seem totally grabby and But-I-want-it-NOW-y anyway. The big stuff, the real wishes, those didn't come true.

(Well, I guess technically I did get pregnant this year, too, which was Wish #1, but considering I never even got to feel excited while looking at the pee stick, I'm calling that one a draw).

I'm not even going to bother with writing out a new list of wishes this year. Just look up the old ones and plug in "2011" for "2010" because they're all the same. Oh, but you can change the first wish to "Get pregnant with a healthy baby that doesn't die or have serious genetic abnormalities."

When I look back over my plans for the year, though, the story is different. I did pretty well! I broke the plans into two different categories: Intended Achievements and Intended Explorations. I purposefully set pretty modest goals for each category (not "Lose 20 pounds and Run a Marathon," for example). And I managed to accomplish almost everything I set out to do.

I completed all of the scholastic tasks I set for myself, with the exception of taking my oral exam. But I have a date set for that in May, so I'm feeling pretty good about my progress.

And I accomplished all of my Intended Explorations! I started a regular yoga practice--I may not be an expert yet, but I've grown stronger and more flexible and I've stuck to a work-out program for almost a year. I did go to Scandinavia with Lawyer Guy, and we made an effort to check out the Brooklyn culinary scene. Not bad!

Re-reading my hopes for the year and seeing that I was able to fulfill so much of what I set for myself is a nice little boost in a depressing season. My wishes didn't come true, but that doesn't mean I was unsuccessful in everything in my life. I'm going to make a similar list for 2011 in an upcoming post with similarly modest goals. I may not feel the incredible surge of pride that I would if I resolved to swim the English Channel or finish my dissertation by next year and then succeeded. But when what I want most feels so out of reach, it's nice to have a few goals I know I can accomplish.

13 comments:

  1. I love this idea. I am so glad that you were able to meet some of these hopes this past year. it is so easy to see the entire time as a total wash when the most important thing, babies, are not met. Sometimes I need reminding that there are other things in my life, even when it does not really feel that way. Thanks for this reminder. I am eager to hear you new goals for 2011.
    thinking of you in this new year......

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  2. I said to DH on New Year's Eve "This will be OUR year." My oh my, how I ate my words! I'm the same as you: this year was amazing and yet so, so emotionally draining. It was great and it was awful all at once. I'm thankful for the great parts b/c that's what kept me going during the awful ones. I hope your dreams for 2011 become true...sooner than later. xo

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  3. I think that you will get pregnant for keeps in 2011. Your RE has faith, too. :)

    It's so hard to want something so badly and not be able to do a damn thing about ensuring that you get it. You've been so patient for so long, it is TIME for you to get out of purgatory.

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  4. I think you have a great plan for your resolutions and I so hope that your wishes come true. I really thinking 2011 is going to be a great year for you, Sloper!

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  5. I'm so glad that you've accomplished much of what you wanted to this last year!

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  6. This will be your year, Slopie. This WILL WILL WILL be it. I love your resolution plan dear friend. xoxo

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  7. I'm glad that some of your plans worked out, and I completely understand the wishes. Sigh. Thinking of you, and hoping that 2011 will be much better.

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  8. I hope your big stuff wish comes true in 2011. I really think this is your year.

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  9. This is a great idea, babe. I'm gonna try to do the same.

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  10. I love the idea of setting goals for yourself for the year, and I think the Achievements and Explorations categories are great! I'm going to have to copy that :) I'm sorry about the wishes--I know, believe me, how disappointing that feels--but I am glad to hear that you were able to accomplish so much in terms of things that ARE in your control. Here's to a 2011 full of wishes come true.

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  11. I hope you get the Big Wish this next year, Sloper. But I like this inventory of the smaller things that get so very lost in the shuffle.

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  12. I hate the fact that dates end up feeling like benchmarks, that we can't merely view the holidays as the inevitable passage of time but (inevitably) feel grief in the fact that time has passed while we are in the same place. And so I think it is important - extraordinarily important - to push ourselves forward in other ways, so that we don't feel like EVERYTHING is stagnating. And it sounds like you have done this, and you should be very proud of yourself for that.

    And I'm hoping we both get our Wish in 2011.

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  13. Hi. Love your blog, just wanted to let you know I've nominated you for a 'Cherry on Top' award.

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