A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Inside/Outside; or, Let It Snow

We returned home last night from our ad hoc Jersey shore Christmas with my family, beating the worst of the storm by a few hours. Now we have two days until we leave for our Bahamas New Year's trip and lots to fit into that time (brief writing for Lawyer Guy and grading and lots of errands for me).

I'm glad that these weeks have been so packed. I haven't had much time to worry over the unlikelihood of this month's natural cycle yielding anything or begin stressing about the final Clomid IUI. I've had too much to do with holiday parties, cookie baking, presents buying and wrapping, and travel planning. On our drive back to Brooklyn yesterday, Lawyer Guy actually solicited information from me on how I'm feeling about our chances this cycle. "You haven't talked about babies and pregnancy much in the past few days," he noted, "which is unlike you."

(And, for the record, I am 10 dpo and don't have any strong symptoms either way. As usual.)

If I wasn't talking about babies, it's because I was trying to (and mostly succeeding at) not think about babies. When we're with my family, that's always easier to do. None of my sisters are married or have children yet or think much about children or talk much about children. And while I know my parents would love grandkids, they don't put any pressure on us or talk about it, either.

It was a strange Christmas, nonetheless. Our first since my parents sold the house we all grew up in. It felt very on-the-fly and we missed many of our traditions. While that was hard, it was also helpful, I suppose, because the Christmases I imagined with baby--when we thought about being pregnant or found out I was--were not Christmases spent at my best friend's family's home on the Jersey Shore. So as a consequence, I didn't think at all about "what might have been," though I couldn't stop myself from imagining what might be in the future (these days, it's twin boys named Simon and George).

And similarly, as we approach New Year's I'm trying equally to avoid thoughts like "This will be our year" and "Last year was such a disappointment." As I've written before, I have faith deep in my heart that one day something will work and LG and I will have a biological child. And as I've also written before, I have no confidence that it will happen soon or easily or without much medical intervention. I'm trying to tune out the distractions and fears and external signs of time passing and dwell inside and live with this little bundle of hope and pain I've been carrying around.

The snow has stopped falling and the sun is bright, but the wind is still howling. It's cozy and comfy inside the apartment. I'm going to stay here as long as I can today, but I know that eventually I'll have to leave and brave the chill again. I guess that's what makes the lazy, warm mornings spent inside even nicer.


  1. You have such a great outlook and attitude. I'm so glad to hear it. Glad you made it home safely before this snowy madness hit and enjoy your trip!!

  2. I wish I could say I've avoided the "This will be our year" wishes, but I can't. And, sadly, I said the same damn thing last year, too. I should take a clue from you and stop saying it! :)

    I hope you have such an awesome trip to the Bahamas and, maybe, just maybe, your Christmas present was a little bit late this year. And if not, you have a wonderful RE behind you and who is determined to grow your family from two to three. xo

  3. Crazy weather we're having, huh? N and I ran down 6th street, I think it was, this afternoon, and got winded halfway down the block (between 6th and 5th), whereupon he tackled me and I made a snow angel. But it is indeed lovely and cozy indoors. Is your pup faring better than ours are? Our little boy actually got all his business done, but the little lady pretty much refuses. Anyway...it appears that I am about exactly a week behind you--3dpo, looking at our final Clomid cycle, wondering what it's gonna take. I'm excited for your Bahamas trip and hope this cycle was it for you, but definitely understand your hesitancy to believe. We're on our way, both of us.

  4. I think it's very wise to suspend prognoses for the year to come (even while holding onto hope). There's something about giving an ultimatum like that which just...doesn't always work. And then makes one feel doubly crummy when it isn't realized. I think you're spot on, however, as far as the it-will-happen part. Again, I'd like it to happen sooner. But it will and that's the important thing.

    I hope you're staying WARM:) And I hope that there is zero bad weather between now and your departure for the Bahamas.

  5. I'm so glad you had a Christmas with no baby pressure and that you will be spending New Year's in the Bahamas! Good times Sloper!
    I know exactly what you mean about that hope that it will happen. Sometimes it is teeny tiny, but keep it alive.

  6. Your mental and emotional state sounds great-- and I'm glad you had such a happy and busy Christmas. The cozy apartment, with snow swirling outside, sounds sort of amazing to me right now...

  7. Christmas sounds really great for you, Sloper. I'm glad your family is so non-pressuring about the baby situation. Mine were, too, which was such a great distraction especially during the holidays. Have a wonderful trip to the Bahamas!!

  8. I hope your trip is amazing, warm and relaxing. You deserve this break and this time to rejuvenate. Here's to 2011!