A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Two Steps Back; or, Toddlerhood

I thought I was doing better the last two days. I felt so calm after the d&c, so capable. I can do this, I thought. I can get through this. I'm going to be fine. At least it's behind me.

Today I feel like crap. I woke up at 6 am and promptly started crying. I cried on my husband's shoulder after he woke up. I cried on the walk to breakfast with my mom, and I cried as she drove away to go back home. I'm lying here, completely exhausted. My eyes hurt. My chest hurts. Every part of me feels raw and alive with pain.

It's not fair! It's not fair! I'm like a three year old who wants to shout at her parents. It's not fair that my first pregnancy was a screwed-up one. It's not fair that all my friends have had such easy times conceiving and carrying their children. I want to stand on my roof deck and just scream that this isn't fair.

I know the answers to that: Life isn't fair. Everyone has his or her own challenges. Don't judge my struggles by what I can see of others'.

If the good days are just a phase, then so are the bad ones. But God, do they ever suck while you're riding them out.


  1. You are so right. It isn't fair. It sucks.

  2. It's unfair. I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. This is such terrible, awful, horrible experience. I just want to give you a big hug!!! I have had two losses and they were both really hard. Take care & take your time grieving.

  4. It isn't fair!!

    I saw that you've been posting a little on GP and some of the other boards. I hope that it brings you some support.

    I hope that you'll be with family this week and that you're surrounded by comfort and love!!

  5. it is never fair, ever. i am so sorry that you are going through this. just be patient with yourself, feel all the feelings that you have, do not hide how much life sucks for you right not, and know that there are many out there who are thinking of you.

  6. I'm sorry for your loss, and yesterday, I had a day like you had. I hadn't cried about it for almost a week, then all of a sudden, it just hit me and I was totally upset. I agree with you on the zit thing, too. UGH.

    As much as our situations totally suck, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'll keep tabs on you from now on, and if you ever need to vent or anything, shoot me an email...I'll always listen.