A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Rainy Monday Updates; or, Odds and Ends

It's a glum rainy day here in New York and I'm still nursing this frightful cold. I want to curl up in bed under a bunch of blankets with a cup of tea and the blanket I'm knitting for Smudgie (oh, I can't wait to share it with you!) and watch the Cooking Channel all day long. But I have to write tomorrow's final exam and grade my students' presentations. And even if I could avoid those tasks, I'd still have to tackle the acres-high stack of books to be read by September.

But a quick blog entry won't totally compromise my Monday To-Do List!

- We're about 10 days out from the follow-up anatomy scan. The fears always creep back in, the terrible fantasies of how the day could go always emerge. But thankfully Smudgie has been thumping a bit harder the last day or two. This morning, he (or she) woke me up with some tentative tap dancing on the left side of my pelvis. I can't imagine a nicer alarm clock.

- Lawyer Guy and I have taken the first tentative steps of our own toward cleaning out our office/second bedroom in preparation for Smudgie's arrival. This consisted of a visit over the weekend to the apple store in Manhattan to pick out a new laptop to replace LG's cumbersome, centuries-old PC that currently resides on a massive desk exactly where we hope Smudgie's crib will soon rest. The PC is still there (as is the desk), but the plans to remove both are in motion. Still, as LG said, he needed a new computer regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, so it wasn't exactly a massive leap of faith. Baby steps...

- I sometimes catch myself making mental plans of the "We'll get the walls painted by x date and then the crib in by y date and some curtains right around z" variety and have to stop to quell a moment of panic. I still can't fully believe that I will have a real live squirmy, happy, healthy baby at the end of this. I don't deserve this more than any one else. I don't know why we would be lucky when so many people aren't. I don't know why this time would end differently than the other times (even though I get the statistical evidence in our favor). I know that worrying and doubting won't protect me from pain and sadness, but it's an awfully hard habit to break.

- Every spring, a few sparrows try to build a nest on the living room window ledge under our air conditioner unit. Every year LG takes a broom and knocks out their early attempts at nest-building. Last year, he confessed to me that he thinks he saw some broken eggs in the remnants of the nest lying down by our garbage cans below the window. This year, back in March, I let him know in no uncertain terms that those birds and their babies are staying put! I don't care how much noise they make fluttering around in there. I'd feel like a monster hoping and praying to bring my own baby home while dashing those little birdies' efforts to pieces. And yes, I admit, I do feel like by protecting those birds and their nest I can protect my own baby, too.

- Last night, LG pulled a carton of Ben&Jerry's from the freezer. He had surprised me with a favorite flavor that I haven't had in a while, and while I appreciated the gesture, I asked him to put it back in. I think it will be much more appropriate to share with him on Friday.

- I'm 19w3d today.


  1. Awwwww... LG bought you ice cream! So sweet. I am so thrilled for everything that's happening with you-- besides that stack of books-- and I can't wait to see that blanket.

  2. Aww... I love your little bird story. I'd feel the same way right now.

    Hoping (and believing) that all will go well with your next anatomy scan, babe.

  3. hoping all is well for your scan. Love to you and smudgie

  4. you've reached the halfway point!! did it fly by or no?? i think it was when i reached this point, that the worries of jinxing things started to go away. can't wait for you to have an awesome anatomy scan and the huge relief that will follow it! xoxo.

  5. Don't forget, my dear: you don't deserve this wonderful, healthy baby you're carrying any *less* than anyone else either. You deserve it very much just as much. And most of them get it.

    You're almost halfway there--WOW! xoxo

  6. Ah! I've been meaning to comment forever and I missed your last post-- I've been a lousy & lazy commenter lately. I need to get my act together.

    I am so excited that you're feeling movement... Is it not the most breathtaking feeling? Every little tap is like a "Hi, Mom!" It gets even better when it's constant. The worrying really gets better because you have constant reassurance.

    Can't believe that Friday is the big milestone...It just feels like it's flying by!

  7. 19 weeks!! that's awesome, Sloper! so, so happy for you :-)

  8. You are doing so great and so is Smudgie!! I LOVE the baby alarm clock (the baby-in-the-belly alarm clock, anyway...) although it always takes me a few minutes to realize what's going on. Sometimes I'll wake up and know that something has awoken me but am not immediately aware of WHAT. And then it (literally) hits me. LOVE. :) I am so happy for you.

  9. I love that you're in the process of "thinking" about the nursery! That makes it more real. And Sloper, you're like halfway there, my friend! I hope the next 10 days (8 at this pt.) go by amazingly fast for you! xoxo

  10. I hope you got through your grading and exam-writing and exam-grading okay:) It's so strange to look at one's surroundings (including possessions) and start to reassess things in terms of the possibility of a baby. So strange. But right.

    Glad you got that Ben and Jerry's.