A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, September 24, 2010

This and That; or, Catching Up

I sometimes wish I was not so in-tune with my body. Since last Friday, I've known with about 98% surety that I'm not pregnant. Since Wednesday, it's gone up to 99.9%. And today I know with 100% confidence that my period is coming tomorrow. Why is my body so freaking predictable? Why can't it trick me once in a while, just to let me lead myself on?

So I haven't spent much time this 2ww obsessing about my cycle: no boob mashing, no cramp tracking, no faking of pregnancy hunger pangs (Which, seriously Sloper, it was time to stop doing that. The scale is telling you so). But this does not mean I don't still over-think things. I've spent the time waiting for my period and waiting to schedule my HSG by alternately envisioning myself as the mother to ART-produced twins (in my wilder moments, girl-boy-girl triplets) and envisioning myself undergoing failed treatment after failed treatment and finally giving up in despair. I picture holding my kids in the hospital and I picture us learning that Lawyer Guy's sperm is hopeless and it was a miracle we got pregnant in the first place. And I picture all of these things about 8 times a minute.

But at least the SA is on the schedule for next week. I hope my poor LG can survive the wait: he is dreading this so very much. Does anyone know how long it usually takes them to get the results back to you?

* * *
I hate what an awful mope I've become the last two or three months. I think back to when I first started this blog and how motivated I was to think positively and plan for solutions and fight against self-pity. And I think back to the first 3 or 4 months after the miscarriage and how determined I was to find silver linings and life lessons in what was happening to us. Now I just want to wallow and feel sorry for myself and make everyone around me miserable, even while we're actually doing something for once to address this problem. I suck.

* * *
So the bloody hag is set to arrive tomorrow afternoon (while I'm at the opera, how fitting) and then the day after is Niece #2's baby naming at a country club in the suburbs (to which they have invited 150 guests). What a delightful way to spend CD 1! I have zero enthusiasm for this event, and Lawyer Guy told me I could stay home, but I can't. Not with the history the we have with those ILs (plus, my SIL called me three months ago to reserve the date and specifically ask me to be there because it's very important to them).

Shall we take a poll? What's the over-under on me crying in the bathroom? Scowling at small children? Hiding in the car? Leaving early?

I could go on and on and on about how the timing of this event couldn't be more dead-on awful if they had calculated it specifically to give me the most pain and how showy and obnoxious I find it, but I am trying--not succeeding, but at least trying--to be a less hideously resentful and jealous person. I'll let you know how that goes.

* * *
Finally, Leslie at Evolutionary Dead End? tagged me in this poll, which I will answer briefly (for once? I'm not sure I'm capable of brevity) as this post is already insanely long:

1) What is your dream occupation?
Easy: Caberet singer, novelist, or official baby-namer. I would like to have control over the names of everyone's children. I promise I'll pick one you like.

What's the best dish you can cook?
I make really good Lemon-Spiced Chicken and awesome artichoke dip and lasagne. I'm quite partial to the apple-walnut stuffing I make every year on Thanksgiving, too. And I make good cheesecake.

Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
A few times! First, at age four for participating in my preschool's "Crazy Hat Day" (there was a picture of me wearing a--yes--crazy hat.) I was immensely proud. More recently, LG and I had our wedding announced in the NY Times Wedding Section. I was almost as excited as I was about the crazy hat. (Total lie: I screamed with happiness after I got the fact-checker's call the week before the wedding).

What's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?
Without question, my two weeks the summer after high school as a telemarketer shilling specialty business publications over the phone. I made four sales. In two weeks. I felt like an associate of Satan. I quit in despair.

When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?
I imagined myself marrying at 26, just like my mother did. I got married at 27. This seemed (I shit you not) like a major failing at this time. I also thought I'd have my first kid at 29, again, like my mother did. I'm now hoping for 31.

What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
I hate cleaning the bathroom, dusting, mopping the floor, and walking the dog at night alone. I like vacuuming and washing dishes by hand.

What's your earliest memory?
I was 2 and on a visit with my parents
to my mom's sister and her family in Phoenix. I remember looking down at their red Spanish tile floor and staring out the screen door at night hoping their dog would come in so I could play with it. I remember a big bank of indoor potted plants near their stairwell. And I remember that my grandfather was there.


  1. Ugh, I'm so sorry hon. That sounds like a perfectly miserable CD1. :( Make an appearance if it will make you feel better, and then have ZERO qualms about getting the hell out of there so you can go home, drink a bottle of wine, and have yourself a good cry.

    On a different note, I'd rather see a "holy shit I know nothing" post from you on Sunday saying that you just got a BFP. One can always hope, right?

  2. i totally believe you about the baby naming bit. we like a few names that are questionable (meaning, we hope the kid doesn't get beat up for it), so i'll run them by you when the time comes :o)

    re: SA. i want to say that it takes about 4-5 days for the results. fingers crossed that lawyer guy's results are at the very least *good* :o)

  3. I commend you for going tomorrow. I do. I think you are so brave. Just know that if you DO feel the need to freak out and have a moment alone or leave, you should. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. The last thing you need is a panic attack in front of a large crowd. If you feel the urge to run, do it.

    And I sincerely hope that the bitch doesn't show during this party. If she does show (which I hope she doesn't) she could at least be kind enough NOT to do so at a baby event.

    Thinking of you. You can and will get through this.

  4. I think our SA results (we did it twice) both came back within one week. Hoping so hard that LG has swimmers that make this October IUI plan a totally viable option.

    It's amazing how many scenarios the mind/heart can conjure up in a few seconds, isn't it? I just know once you get rolling in treatments you're re-capture that more hopeful Slopie who feels like a distant memory right now.

    And, are you freaking kidding, re: baby naming ceremony with 150 guests? Good. Lord. I hope you can scoff at the ridiculousness of it all and get the heck out of dodge. I'll be thinking of you.

  5. I'm really sorry you have to attend this event-- Little children are like a stab in the heart. I wish you could just be drunk or something, but that's probably not appropriate.

    BTW, I am totally counting on you to name my child! I am so, so hopelessly lost and stuck here. E shot down all of the ones I discussed with you, and I am just CONFUSED. Nothing is standing out to me as anything particularly special. I'll send you another email one of these days for big-time HELP.

  6. The time between the initial RE appointment and waiting the results of all the testing is a tough place. You so badly want to move forward, and the waiting to see what, if anything, is wrong, is brutal. Hang in there...the SA results shouldn't take more than a week.
    Good list...fun to learn these things about you. We didn't get into the NY Times wedding section...probably be neither of us live in NY anymore, but still it was sad.

  7. ((hugs)) Seriously, I sometimes wish I wasn't so sure about my body, too. I always keep that tiny little smidgen of hope, but I just know pretty soon that it's pointless each time. And, yes, the roller coaster of emotions of "this will work" and "ha! no it won't" never really seems to go away. Thinking lots of positive thoughts for you, though.

  8. Hope LG passes the SA with flying colors so you can have that October IUI!!

    Ugh, the baby naming party sounds horrible - 150 people? UGH. I thought having CD1 on my nephew's baptism was awful, but there were no where near 150 people there. That's insane. Hope it's not to terrible (but even more you get a BFP...)

  9. Baby naming ceremony? At a country club? I know I'm from the mid-west...but seriously? I didn't know people did that! What a shitty way to spend CD1. Sorry...props to you if you go...there is no way I would be able to muster up that kind of courage.

  10. It took us a couple weeks to get the SA results, but we had SA, karyotyping, AMH all done together so I think we waited till we have everything before following up, and it was 2-3 weeks.

    Sorry about the baby naming coinciding with CD1. Maybe it'll be a hideous baby name that will make you cackle into your well-deserved glass of champagne? A girl can hope, right?

  11. So sorry about the lousy timing and about CD1 on the whole. No fun at all. And I didn't know you were a singer. Cool! I, too, love naming things: people/teams/organizations/websites, and so I think your official naming gig sounds fantastic. I want you to feel better. For good.

  12. Hey Honey . . . I wanna know how you are, and if you survived the awful-timed naming event? Please don't be harsh on yourself . . . I spent the evening of my due date for m/c #2 (Christmas Eve 2006) texting a good friend from the bathroom of my bitch cow S-I-L's house, many MANY miles from home. The S-I-L said something VERY upsetting at dinner and I burst into tears and refused to attend the Christmas morning brunch with the family the following day, LOL! Yep, how's that for a zinger.

    Oh, and said S-I-L lives on Long Island (just throwin' that in for shits & giggles).

    Love you. Report in!!!

  13. I'm so sorry, Sloper. Between CD1 and the baby naming thing, plus all the waiting, it must be so hard. Our SA also came back within a week, even during holidays. Thinking of you and LG.

  14. A baby naming party? That sounds a little... pretentious? Well, anyway, I'm sorry that you have to attend during such a sensitive time. That really sucks, doll.