A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, September 20, 2010

On Pause; or, Once Again Waiting.

After last week's frenzy of appointments and decisions and activity, I feel again as though I'm suspended in liquid waiting to be allowed to move. The HSG appointment with NY.U is canceled, and we're waiting.

Waiting for me to get my period, so I can call Cor.nell and set up a different HSG appointment. Waiting for Lawyer Guy to return home from his business trip so he can call and schedule his semen analysis (he was making vague noises about getting it done "next week," which honestly is not what I want, but he's so anxious about it that I don't have the heart to push anything). Waiting to find out what our treatment options are and if we can try anything this upcoming cycle. Back to waiting, and I'm not any better at it than I was 18 months ago, despite the excellent practice I've now had.

I'm fat and broken out and lethargic and depressed and disgusting, so it's obvious my period is coming (set to arrive this upcoming weekend). I've accepted that and given up much hope of conceiving without assistance, though LG was deeply upset when I mentioned how crampy I was feeling over the weekend. He'd thought we might get out of all this at the last minute. No such luck.

Right now, I really just want to get started. I want to do something--anything!--that will improve our chances. I want to take a shot in the dark just for the satisfaction of no longer sitting on my ass praying the fertility gods will bless me.

I read the blogs of women undergoing treatment, and they often seem tired. Tired of the blood draws and the injections and the pills and the ultrasounds and the doctors' appointments and the failures. I'm sure I'll get to a point, too, where the charm of reproductive intervention ceases to be charming. But at this point, I'm so tired of doing nothing and leaving it all to fickle chance. I just want my shot. I want to feel like I've started something new.

Watch me eat this words about four months from now. But this is where I am today.


  1. I'm sorry to hear it was postponed, hopefully they're able to do it soon! I don't blame you for wanting to get started - it makes you feel like you're doing something to hopefully help things along!

  2. The first cycle is exciting - being able to know exactly what's going on, see how your body is responding, having some semblance of control over something that has been so incredibly uncontrollable. I've got high hopes for you and I'm so excited that you're so close to getting started.

  3. Postponement is always a huge disappointment. I know what you mean, it will be good to get the show on the road. I think that you and LG will respond really well to ART, so I am not worried about you growing weary of pills and injections. I think the end is very much in sight.

  4. I've been thinking about you LOTS lately, and finally am in front of the 'puter . . .

    I am glad your hubby is open to the SA and the possible results. They check three things (count, motility - how active, and morphology - the shape of the sperm). My hubby's count and motility were excellent the three times he had a SA . . . it was the morphology that sucked (only 3-6% being "normal). I share this so that perhaps you stop carrying so much guilt regarding the m/c. Some RE's think that once the egg is fertilized then poor morphology doesn't matter. And some RE's think that poor morphology = poor fertilized egg, which accounts for genetic issues and a higher rate of early/first trimester m/c's. Now, it actually was a comfort to me in this regard, because I stopped beating myself up that I somehow was to blame. And I never blamed my husband - not like he could make his sperm somehow into a better shape, right?! Sure, I still grieved plenty, but having a teeny bit less guilt helped me.

    The sucky thing about poor morphology is that it kinda pushes you into full-blown IVF if you want to become a parent via pregnancy. Looking back, the R.E. never mentioned we coulda done donor sperm, which irriates me . . . we had always been open to adoption from the start (obviously), and to us if someone is willing to adopt (non-bio child) then there is no leap to donor sperm/egg (after all, one is agreeing to not have their own genetic material, so why not). You might want to give this some thought as you consider your insurance/financial options. To some people, adoption is waaay different and more palatable than using donor eggs/sperm, though - so please don't misconstrue my comments as what anyone else's opinion should be, it's only how my hubby and I viewed things.

    Being pro-active, no matter which option(s) you pursue (be it fertility-assisted methods, or adoption) is something that also comforted me immensely. I like the idea of "running" towards something. Sometimes you have to make your Fate, if you know what I mean?!

    It sounds like you are leaning toward the place with better touch-feelyness and customer service. Which I totally support! You need to feel supported and that the medical professionals are engaged and care about your outcome.

    Though we didn't ultimately stay in fertility-treatment, having some else captain the ship, tell us what the problem was, and so on, was FREEING. It also allowed s-e-x to become fun again, and not for a mission. For what it's worth ;o)

    I'm here if you need to email privately!

  5. It always feels better to feel like you're actually trying to DO something. Especially when you start to feel like everything you've been doing is somewhat pointless. I hope that things move forward quickly and you're done with this darn waiting.

  6. I'm glad you are excited. You should feel excited to get started in all of this. I know I did. Finally, I felt like I was doing something, being proactive. In a way, it's getting a sense of control that you don't have when you are trying naturally. I have to say that, though I don't miss the stress and the poking and prodding, I DO miss consistently knowing what my body is doing at what times: what ovary is growing follicles, how big they are, exactly when I'll ovulate, the fact that I will ovulate, the number of my husband's sperm, etc. (Gee, can you tell I'm a control freak?)

    Wishing you the best as this show gets on the road. I'm so incredibly excited and hopeful for the next steps.

  7. I totally get this. Maybe it's because I was on so many break months (and not ovulating on them, so time would literally stand still) with cysts, but each time I could cycle I felt like a new person. Action is the anecdote to despair. I lived for injecting myself, or swallowing Clomid pills, or doing early morning monitoring. It really speeds things up (even if you're a slow responder like me).

    My hubs did the same thing with his first SA. RE #1 understandably wouldn't let us begin treatment until we had those results so it drove me absolutely crazy. I'm so hoping you can get this show on the road, stat!

  8. Undergoing treatment is hard but just waiting to start the treatment is harder. I also got to the point where I was ready for the treatment and I was happy that we started (even though you end up hating Clomid or whatever the first medication will be you'll still feel like you're doing something new, different that might actually get you pregnant). Good luck on your journey!

  9. The months of just leaving things up to the fertility gods (and the unmonitored Clomid gods) were much worse for me than the last 3 months post our first RE consult. Yes, the multiple doctor's visits are a pain in the ass, and the disappointment of a failed treatment cycle very painful, but for me it still feels better to be doing something, increasing our chances and not leaving it entirely up to chance.

  10. I'd be excited about starting treatment, too. This waiting with no idea if anything will ever happen is exhausting.
    Also, I'm crampy too, but I was hoping it might be a pregnancy sign... (though I think I'm always crampy in the 2nd week dpo). More waiting. Sigh.

  11. I can totally see why you'd be excited to start treatments! It will finally feel like you're DOING something...something more.

    Good luck!

  12. I'm excited for you to start this next step and to get some real answers and direction. And once I go to the doc and find out what her plan is for me, I'm sure I'll be emailing you for advice a lot.

  13. Infertility, even during treatments, feels like one long wait. But, it definitely feels better once you are actively cycling. Yes, treatments get tiring, but something about knowing you're taking steps to give yourself a better chance at conceiving makes it feel ok. Glad you're excited about Cor.nell - good luck with hubs SA and your HSG!

  14. Taking action is totally empowering--I'm with you on that one. Even when you wish the action weren't necessary. Sorry you're having to go through all the waiting, though; that's the opposite of empowering. :(

  15. It IS tiring, there's no doubt about it. BUT it's also very good to let someone else get in the driver's seat for awhile, to make sure that you are optimizing your chances and taking advantage of all that modern medicine has to offer. And while there are things that are not great about modern medicine, there are things that are downright marvelous.

    It's good. If you were feeling resistant then it would make things tougher. But your heart is behind this, and my hope is that you're going to hit gold LONG before you get to the tired part.