A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Happy; or, Hopeful (UPDATED)
Thanks to Floss Baby for giving me the Happy/Hopeful award. I'm supposed to fill you in on things that make me, you know, happy and hopeful. And fortunately right now they are the same thing: my Lawyer Guy!
He had his SA yesterday, and while we don't know the results yet, I'm so proud of him for sacking up (literally) and getting through it. It's only the first of potentially many romantic encounters between him and the sterile collection cup and not even one that give us a chance at a pregnancy. But he has been really dreading it and yet managed to do fine. I'm proud of him and grateful that he did something so humiliating for the sake of our life together.
And because that makes me happy, I will share something else that always makes me happy, even on my darkest days. This is the song that LG and I chose as our first dance at our wedding. We both love music (I sing, he played guitar for me the night we met) and picking the "perfect" first dance song was really important to us. We talked about it over and over and seemed to be getting nowhere--I wanted Cole Porter or Gershwin, he wanted something written since the dawn of the atomic age. But then! We remembered how much we both love Van Morrison! We remembered how much we love dancing around our apartment together to this song!
Some people in our families thought this song was too fast-paced and not sweet and romantic enough, but it is exactly how we both felt on our wedding day: just filled with joyfulness and excitement and love. Now every time I hear it, I'm sent right back to our wedding day and I think about how much I love smiling and dancing with Lawyer Guy and I know that everything is going to be okay, no matter what further challenges lie ahead.
As for what makes me hopeful? I'll be honest, I have to dig pretty deep to hit hope these days. It's buried far down beneath a lot of other unpleasant emotions. But it is there and I can reach it, even if I have to manufacture it out of thin air.
Case in point, the following:
This is our new car, which we picked up from the dealer's yesterday! The lease on our Volvo was up this month, and while we loved driving it over the past three years, we decided we want something bigger and a bit cheaper (given than we have possible future fertility treatments to start planning for).
Last night as we drove home, I turned and looked behind me and I pictured two infant carseats side-by-side. I scared myself a little--I can remember too vividly signing the lease on our first car three years ago and wondering to myself if the back seat would accommodate the children I was sure would come before we moved on to a new set of wheels.
But I decided not to think that way. We stood at the dealership ready to take the keys and I said to Lawyer Guy, "Now we can have a baby since the car has enough room." He laughed at the thought that the baby was just waiting for us to get the right car, but I'm going to take my optimism where I can get it.
I loved our old car, but I could never picture a baby in it. And in this car, I can.
Which means we're going to get pregnant soon, right?
Updated: I forgot the most important part of these little awards, nominating other bloggers! I would like to send happiness and hope to some ladies who have been stuck here with me for a while and getting bluer and bluer as I do:
We left the cocktail bars and highrises of Manhattan for the playgroups and farmers markets of Brooklyn, eager to become just another couple of stroller nazis clogging the sidewalk. Two years and a lost pregnancy later, we finally reached paradise with the birth of our little boy Smudgie. Now, after a surprise pregnancy and yet another loss, we're stepping back onto the TTC road, but refusing to let it carry us back to purgatory again.
11/16/13 - Baby Girl Nu-Nu born healthy and two weeks early. Such a happy family. 5/20/13 - NT scan looks good...time to move to a new blog 3/25/13 - BFP (#4) 11/30/12- D&C 11/27/12 - missed m/c at 1st OB appt, 8 week embryo with Triploidy 11/19/12 - 7 week embryo with hb of 130 ("graduate" from gyn) 10/31/12 - Surprise BFP (#3) 8/12 - First Postpartum Period
10/4/11 -- Smudgie's birthday! Welcome, sweet little boy!