A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Happy; or, Hopeful (UPDATED)

Thanks to Floss Baby for giving me the Happy/Hopeful award. I'm supposed to fill you in on things that make me, you know, happy and hopeful. And fortunately right now they are the same thing: my Lawyer Guy!

He had his SA yesterday, and while we don't know the results yet, I'm so proud of him for sacking up (literally) and getting through it. It's only the first of potentially many romantic encounters between him and the sterile collection cup and not even one that give us a chance at a pregnancy. But he has been really dreading it and yet managed to do fine. I'm proud of him and grateful that he did something so humiliating for the sake of our life together.

And because that makes me happy, I will share something else that always makes me happy, even on my darkest days. This is the song that LG and I chose as our first dance at our wedding. We both love music (I sing, he played guitar for me the night we met) and picking the "perfect" first dance song was really important to us. We talked about it over and over and seemed to be getting nowhere--I wanted Cole Porter or Gershwin, he wanted something written since the dawn of the atomic age. But then! We remembered how much we both love Van Morrison! We remembered how much we love dancing around our apartment together to this song!

Some people in our families thought this song was too fast-paced and not sweet and romantic enough, but it is exactly how we both felt on our wedding day: just filled with joyfulness and excitement and love. Now every time I hear it, I'm sent right back to our wedding day and I think about how much I love smiling and dancing with Lawyer Guy and I know that everything is going to be okay, no matter what further challenges lie ahead.

As for what makes me hopeful? I'll be honest, I have to dig pretty deep to hit hope these days. It's buried far down beneath a lot of other unpleasant emotions. But it is there and I can reach it, even if I have to manufacture it out of thin air.

Case in point, the following:

This is our new car, which we picked up from the dealer's yesterday! The lease on our Volvo was up this month, and while we loved driving it over the past three years, we decided we want something bigger and a bit cheaper (given than we have possible future fertility treatments to start planning for).

Last night as we drove home, I turned and looked behind me and I pictured two infant carseats side-by-side. I scared myself a little--I can remember too vividly signing the lease on our first car three years ago and wondering to myself if the back seat would accommodate the children I was sure would come before we moved on to a new set of wheels.

But I decided not to think that way. We stood at the dealership ready to take the keys and I said to Lawyer Guy, "Now we can have a baby since the car has enough room." He laughed at the thought that the baby was just waiting for us to get the right car, but I'm going to take my optimism where I can get it.

I loved our old car, but I could never picture a baby in it. And in this car, I can.

Which means we're going to get pregnant soon, right?

Updated: I forgot the most important part of these little awards, nominating other bloggers! I would like to send happiness and hope to some ladies who have been stuck here with me for a while and getting bluer and bluer as I do:

Gidget of Mission: Gidgelet
B at My So-Called (TTC) Life
Katie of From IF to When
Allison at Allison's Wonderland
~C~ at The Port of Indecision

And some very special hope and happiness to the newly pregnant Sienna at It's Baby Time


  1. when dh had to do his first SA, it was before we'd sought out an RE. they made him go to Quest, but you're not allowed to "retrieve" the sample there. he had to go to the starbucks across the street and wait on the long bathroom line. it took him 5 minutes (sooo proud of him) to fill the cup and then he had to go back to quest to drop it off. he was a bit red when he was done bc the line after him was even longer. can we say GHETTO??!

    i got this hope award one month before starting this cycle. sooo, i'd like to think it's *good luck* :o)

    btw, in case you're lazy and hate walking like i do ... there's a "cab share" on 68th and lex where you get out of the subway for the clinic. the bus stop is on the SE corner, and i've always found it to be TOO SLOW. toward the end of the bus line, if you just wait there a few minutes, cabs will come by and pick up 3-4 ppl at a time. is just $2. the clinic is way too far east for me to walk from the subway, so on weekdays i would hop in a cab instead. just an fyi in case you didn't know already :o)

  2. I love the hope in this post, even if it is "manufactured"! The new car with plenty of room for babies is awesome! Hubs doing the SA deed is awesome! You're on the up and up, Slopie. xo

  3. thanks sloper :o) i'm telling you, this award is GOOD LUCK!!! xoxo.

  4. Woohoo for the new car! :) Definitely hopeful for it as a good sign.

  5. We have the exact same car-- right down to the color. We absolutely LOVE it!

  6. Congrats on the new car...and here's hoping it will be your lucky charm!! And glad your hubby got through the first SA!