A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Not There Yet; or, Ten Months

The summer's racing by. They always do, even when life was sad and slow. Now, with a baby in the house, they go even faster. An army crawler turns to a speed-demon maniac racing about the apartment and teaching himself how to open and close all the doors (and lift the toilet seat. Need to take care of that). A week at the beach passes easy, sweet day by easy sweet day (even if very few of them are spent beachside. Less sand consumption and better naps that way). The birthday party that is soooo far in the future with plenty of time to prepare for is...gulp...six weeks from now. And we just wrote out the guest list yesterday.

He's going to be one year old soon. I am so happy for him: he tackles the world with enthusiasm and a big smile for everyone he meets. He thrives on new experiences and situations, new places and faces. He gives slobbery kisses with a wide open mouth and big, big hugs when he wakes up from his nap (always with a grin). I know his next year will be filled with wonderful discoveries and adventures-- walking! talking! learning! playing! But I am going to try to slow time down a little to soak up every bit of baby goodness until the end of September.

As wonderful as the idea of Smudgie's next year is, it's of course tinged with bittersweet emotion. I won't get into that now--plenty of time on October 4th for remembering and reminiscing. But with all the excitement and nostalgia, there's also a lot of fear.

I've seen so many blog friends cross this bridge in the last few months: from not thinking about trying, to thinking about not trying, to thinking about trying, to...

I don't want to be there yet. I don't want to go back to my life circa 2009/2010. Especially not now that I have the most incredible little boy to spend my days with. I don't want to waste a day of my time with him obsessing over positive opks or temperatures or cervical mucus.

And honestly, if I didn't worry that there's another 2 year road--or even more this time--ahead of us, I'd probably hold off on trying for another until Smudgie is two and I've finished more of my dissertation. (My proposal has been accepted and I'm just getting started on my first chapter. The end is in sight, but still a long way off).

But it's not like we have a firm TTC date set. First of all, I haven't even broached the subject with Lawyer Guy, other than that we both acknowledge we're not using any protection. He still needs more time to recover from the frustration of those two years and doesn't even want to consider getting back into sex on schedule.

Second, my cycles haven't started up again yet. I'm still nursing Smudgie regularly (five or six times a day), though we're finally going to night wean him beginning this week on the recommendation of his pediatrician. I'm hoping to continue to nurse past his birthday, though I plan to stop pumping on the days I'm away from him once I can substitute cow's milk (I love nursing but I LOATHE pumping. I am so ready to be unhooked from that thing). Will my cycles return if I'm only nursing morning and evening? If they don't, do I wean him sooner rather than later? I'd like the weaning process to happen on Smudgie's timetable, not mine, but that may not be possible.

Ideally, we'd start "trying" again after my first/next period--but a trying without timing things or planning or tracking, none of which I have the strength to handle again. We'd just give it six months (or maybe a year, depending on when we began and how our emotions are handling things) of low-planning conception efforts and at some point before Smudgie's second birthday, if nothing's working again, we'll go back to the RE for round two.

I write it out like that and it seems so reasonable and sane. I know it won't feel that way once I'm living it. The fear will return, the impatience, the stress. The jealousy.

But also, I hope, the gratitude and wonder that we got a miracle once and he's still ours to keep.

He's ten-and-a-half months old. Isn't he the cutest?


  1. He's AMAZING. And almost a year old? Impossible. I love hearing about how wonderful of a little guy he is.

    I am interested to hear you mirror all of my fears about ttc again. I am only halfway through my first 2ww, and it SUCKS. I'm totally obsessed with cm and uterine twinges. BUT, none of it has made me unhappy, and I don't think it has the power to (well, maybe after a loss it will... ugh!). I will be here in full support when you do decide to try again.

  2. First, he is SO CUTE!! So happy!

    Second, I hear ya. Seems weird to be thinking about TTC again.

  3. Has it been a year already? You have such a darling man. TTC feels foreign I'm sure. My hope is that the next steps are easy ones and that you hit a nice break this time around. You've been through far too much by now. Smudgie will be a great brother.

  4. I hate (and love) thinking about #2. I like to think that this time around it'll "just happen," and we won't ever need to set foot in our RE's office and I won't ever need to do PIO shots again and I won't ever need to watch on a TV screen as an embryo is dropped into my ute like some weird science experiment. I like to believe that our bodies are really capable of getting pregnant now. But the worry is always in the back of my mind.

    I'm just trying to enjoy this time with baby girl as much as possible. I don't want to rob her of this time by thinking and worrying about the next baby, who may or may not ever happen. Easier to say than do, though.

    All of this is to say, I get you. I totally get you. xoxo

  5. wow, seriously, how is he 10 + months? What a sweetie. I love all of your descriptions of his personality, he sounds like such an amazing little dude.

    I think the plan you have in place for weaning sounds great and very reasonable. It's so hard to say how our bodies will react to the tapering of nursing. I was still night-nursing and exclusively BFing when I got my first PP period when cheeks was 7 months. It's pretty split with my friends, too, some have their periods back while bfing and some not. It really just depends. I hope it comes back soon for you so you don't have to force weaning if you and/or smudgie aren't ready yet.

    Hoping that the path to #2 is easy and quick for you and LG

  6. OMG, he's changed so much!!! He's adorable!!!

    I think your plan sounds amazing. And I hope that you don't even need it and that it just happens for you guys. But if it doesn't it sounds like your plan is what's best for all of you and that's what matters!

    Six weeks until he's one?! Seems impossible. :)

  7. I loathed pumping as well. I stopped pumping 2 weeks before his first birthday (there was enough frozen milk to get us through) and I think only pumped twice to relieve engorgement. We are still nursing strong about 4 times a day when I'm home and the switch to cow's milk on daycare days hasn't been a problem. I haven't officially night weaned, but S rarely wakes before 5 these days. I had my first official PP period about six weeks after I stopped pumping (I almost cried I was so happy as I don't ovulate, so hoping things may be turned around for my body). But everyone is different.
    As for TTC #2 I've been so back and forth. There is no way we'll try again until I've passed my Quals (hopefully Nov 1, yikes!) but recently I've been very content with getting started on my dissertation and writing and focusing on my little guy. I like this place of contentment.

  8. Ok, so I am sort of jealous because my goddamn period is back at 6 months postpartum and the Alien getting just breastmilk. Though he night-weaned himself about a month ago. I do think the night weaning happens earlier when mama is working full-time. And that's good and bad. But you know that Alien is like the -47th percentile for weight too, so I am almost tempted to wake him up at night to nurse anyway.

    All of this is rambling and makes no sense. But I do think that Smudgie and Alien need to get together one of these days. They are too much alike. Not just the superdupermegaomgskinny baby thing, but they seem very similar in terms of temperament and personality. I always thought Smudgie was a cutie, but since having the Alien, Smudgie's pictures just pull my heartstrings.

    PLus, LG and I still need to meet. Because we shall get along famously.

    This has nothing to do with your post, after all. This is really just a long and rambling comment on how happy I am for us both.

  9. ^Also, I am sort of tipsy.

  10. Like I said, night weaning is good and bad. This is the good :)

  11. Are you okay? Thinking of those I know in NYC tonight.