You know that voice that whispers to women trudging through infertility, "Maybe they're right"? The one that wonders if maybe she is too self-focused. Maybe she's obsessed with what she can't have instead of appreciating what she does. That maybe there are worse fates and worse pain and it's self-indulgent to elevate her struggle to their level. That maybe she's lost perspective and will come to regret the time "wasted" feeling sad all those years. That maybe she's just an unhappy person fixating on a baby as the solution to all her problems, and once (if) she gets that baby there will be something else to focus on as the source of future happiness-- a job, more money, a house, her body.
Was it only me who heard that voice? On the chance that one other person has felt this way and asked herself these questions, I'm here to say: ignore that voice. It's a liar.
My worst day as a mom is 100% better than my best day with infertility. Which is not to minimize the difficulty of parenting a baby. Yes, I am sometimes frustrated, often tired, always stressed, frequently harried, and occasionally bored. But underneath whatever momentary storm is shaking the emotional trees, there's a firm, steady bedrock of contentment keeping those roots firmly in place (and inspiring cheesy botanical metaphors, apparently).
I am happy. Not only happy all of the time. But ultimately and essentially happy.
I used to be sad. Not only sad all of the time. But ultimately and essentially sad.
One day your infertility journey will be over, whether through the birth of your child, through adoption, or through the decision to embrace a childfree life with your partner. There is an end in store. And you will rediscover that happy person you used to know, the one who seemed to vanish in the years of struggling. You'll sit down with her like the best of old friends, the kind who can pick up conversations after years apart without a break or pause.
You'll realize that you weren't selfish, obsessed, or broken. Infertility was all of those things. You were just holding on for the ride.
I'm back, and it's hopefully not a once-off!!
7 years ago
Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThis post is spot on. Any day is a better day with your children in it. I only hope and pray everyone can feel that level of happiness one day. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I fully agree. What I wonder about is those women who DO manage to preserve their happiness through infertility. I know such women who love babies with no apparent bitterness and who yearn for a child gracefully. I was NOT one of those women. I was that too-often-somewhat-drunk, too-often-unwashed, shun-all-human-contact infertile lady. AND I went through the same thing while I was single but looking to be paired up. I know their are women with much stronger characters than mine, who do all of this so much better... So, as you see, I AM having a bit of trouble ignoring that voice... still.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put.
ReplyDeleteAnd, even with everything we're dealing with, now, I am at my essence amazingly happy. And, I was amazingly sad. And, I heard that voice all the time -- and am so amazingly glad I ignored it.
(And that is just truly bizarre about the names... :) That post must have been really weird for you to read!!)
delurking to say that your post moved me very much and gave me hope. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis is so fantastic. And I cannot agree more with this: "My worst day as a mom is 100% better than my best day with infertility."
ReplyDeleteHolding on for the ride here. (here from the Roundup btw)
ReplyDeleteAnd I sure want to believe in your voice! thanks for such a beautiful post, it means a lot to me.
Wonderful post - agree 100%
ReplyDeleteLove this post.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully put. SO glad that you are ultimately and essentially happy. So true.
ReplyDeleteI love this post and even though I am only a few weeks away from reaching that peace the last 8 months of being pregnant just validates exactly what you said. I am just not sad any more. And it is an absolute relief.
ReplyDeleteI am 32 weeks pregnant after 2 years of infertility. I have just come across this post and it totally resonates with me, especially this bit:
ReplyDeleteI am happy. Not only happy all of the time. But ultimately and essentially happy.
I used to be sad. Not only sad all of the time. But ultimately and essentially sad.
I can't wait for baby to be here to complete the picture.