A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Only In My Dreams; or, Looking for Signs

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. It was one of those dreams that slowly emerge into consciousness, when you're awake enough to feel and remember everything vividly but asleep enough to believe that what your mind imagines is real.

I was pretty far along, six or seven months, and had this huge belly and felt so happy and complete. When I woke up, I still felt that way. I felt somehow hopeful that it would and could come true.

Life continues as usual. I'm tired and exhausted from teaching and taking classes, and I try to convince myself that it's better for my work and my strength to not be pregnant this semester. I try to assuage my sadness with reminders of how happy I am with my husband and the many things and can do now that a child would interrupt.

The spotting is back. I'm tracking my ovulation. Maybe I'll have some answers in a few weeks.

I'd rather keep dreaming.

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