A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust; or, Times Like These I Really Hate Myself

After a weekend with my (wonderfully, beautifully) pregnant best friend and her husband--in town from the West Coast--my husband and I stopped by his mother's birthday brunch to find our toddler niece wearing a shirt that read "Big Sister." Yup, my sister-in-law is pregnant with number two.

Please pardon me. I don't do this sort of thing in real life, but I've got to get it out somewhere, and to someone, and anonymous random people on the internet are probably better than strangers on the street, my husband, or my dog.



My husband says I kept it together just fine while we were there, looked happy and normal. I asked lots of questions about names and morning sickness and whatnot, and then I got in the car and cried all the way back home.

I hate being this way. I hate begrudging people their happiness. I hate feeling shut out of my own life by my own feelings. I hate being the invisible girl in the room, the one with the empty uterus and nothing to offer. (And it's my fault I feel that way, no one else's).

I toggle between wanting to let myself feel my feelings, and wanting to give myself a kick in the ass. So after crying, it's time for some ass-kicking:

1) Six months is not that long to try, and there are people who've been through so much worse for so much longer, so I have no right to complain.
2) Things are good in my life, I'm lazy and happy (when I'm not thinking about babies) and busy and I really don't mind things being the way they are.
3) Everyone I know (literally, EVERYONE) who was trying or potentially trying to get pregnant is now pregnant. All my other friends and relatives of child-bearing age are either unmarried or have told me they are not trying yet. So I figure, I've got at least the next six months to be free of pregnancy announcements, and then I'll be either pregnant myself or starting fertility testing, and there will be a plan.

Honestly, I can perk myself up reasonably well with these kinds of mental reminders when I'm on my own. But I'm sort of dreading the family get-togethers for the next seven months, which will be come increasingly and overwhelmingly focused on the baby. I want to be happy and have fun and not feel shitty and resentful and angry and sad.

How do I do it?

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