A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Get Busy Living; or, The Restart

I got my period yesterday, six weeks after my d&c. For once, everything's proceeding in textbook fashion.

For dating purposes, my OB had recommended waiting until this point to start trying again. We...sort of did. And sort of didn't. So I spent the last two weeks wondering if lightening would strike twice. Hoping it would, worrying it wouldn't, worrying it would, wondering what my childcare arrangements will need to look like next year, and feeling a lot of financial anxiety about what this would mean for the surprise fellowship I was just offered that starts in September.

I greeted the unmistakable evidence of another cycle with resignation and some mingled relief and disappointment. I'm sure I'll greet the end of this cycle with a similar emotional blend, though possibly weighed a tad more heavily to the disappointment side. And on and on until...

Well, we're not there yet, are we?

I'm not going to update here with a record of each ovulation, each failed cycle, the minute fluctuations between hope and despair that make up my five weeks between beginnings and ends. I don't want that kind of record this time around. I don't want that kind of focus.

But that's what will be happening in the background, under the surface of all the other things that we do every day. I hope that we will be lucky again and that's all this second try will ever need to be. But if not, eventually there will be doctors' visits and treatment plans and I will write about them.

This is just living, though, and I think, this time around, I'd like to try just living it.


  1. This sounds like an excellent plan. I wish you every shred of distraction and perseverance to get through this next phase, and even more so, I really hope that you won't need them for long, and that you can quickly move on to worrying about life with 2.

    And HUGE congratulations on your fellowship! That is huge, and awesome.

  2. Sending you all kinds of hope to just live it. It can be hard. Congrats on the fellowship! That's great news and hopefully you will get plenty of time to write.

  3. I like this a lot, Sloper. When we decide to start trying (as opposed to the not/not trying thing that we've done since Stella was born)...I REALLY hope I can focus more on just living this time around. It's damn hard, but important. Here's to hoping this isn't such a struggle this time around.

  4. Congrats on the fellowship!

    i wish the best in these upcoming months of living and letting it be, I wish you peace through all of this. It is my experience that it's so much simpler to focus on the now and the day to day with a little one in tow (even while going through IVF). I hope the same holds true for you.


  5. In similar headspace over her, Sloper. Glad the restart has restarted, but, yes. (That is wonderful news about the fellowship.)

  6. I've been thinking about you a lot these past few days (and reading old posts as you might have seen in your stats). Your comments on my most recent posts have been... calming and reassuring. I hate that you have been through so much both before having Smudgie and now since, but your grace and acceptance of things is inspiring. Truly. And, with this post, you've done it again. Get busy living. Even though we are neck-deep in treatment cycles I am going to try and do more of this. I sometimes lose track and just want to get through and done and to the other side. When it was just me, well, not such a big deal. But now life includes my girl and I refuse to "wish away" months of her life. Thank you, Sloper. And congrats on the fellowship!!!

  7. I'm always thinking about you guys and hoping that I get to hear those wonderful news, "We're pregnant" again from you soon. I know I will and I know it will stick.

    Also, congrats on the fellowship! How stinking exciting! Kudos, my friend. Kudos.

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