A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Friday, January 13, 2012

One Year of Smudgie; or, January 13

On January 13, 2011, I sat across from my husband in a Le Pain Quotidien on the Upper East Side eating a yogurt and granola parfait and waiting for the wizards at our fertility clinic to finish doing whatever voodoo they do to the samples before show time. LG looked at me and said, "This is going to work. This is going to be the one that works." He looked tense and sounded like he wanted to believe the words more than actually did believe them. I smiled a little and didn't respond.

Later that night--as LG likes to remind me--we tried to make some magic of our own at home, or at least some insurance in case the nurse's aim was off that morning. And at some point that day, this amazing, sweet, adorable, dome-headed, twitchy-legged, smiley, perfect little boy was made.

I think about the last year of Smudgie's existence and marvel that he has grown from a couple of teeny tiny little gametes to the warm, cuddly weight that curls against my neck when I hold him in my arms. I think about the girl I was on that day last year--sad, worried, afraid to hope, but determined--and can hardly believe that today she's a mother. A mother who, whatever frustrations and irritations she has to handle, is happy right deep down to her core.

Happy one year of being in this world, my sweet son. You have made it glow brighter than I ever thought possible, and I love you.


8 comments:

  1. This is wonderful! Congratulations for all that you've been through, and for the joy you're feeling today. (The stickler in me says that you may want to correct the date, since surely you're talking about 2011 rather than 2010?)

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  2. No, I actually had a 2-year gestation :) For some reason I have been confused about what year it is ever since 2010. I blame IF, of course.

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  3. Oh, and how the world is so much richer for that darling, deeply-loved lil' chap!

    <3

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  4. So beautiful! I love to think about the moments that all of our little ones first came into being. It's a beautiful moment. Congrats on a year of little Smudgie.

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  5. Love these pics. It's amazing the difference a year makes.

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  6. love this pic. he is such a smiley, adorable baby! happy one year smudgie :o) xoxo.

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  7. Congratulations on one year! He is beautiful.

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  8. Awwww. Sniff, Sloper. A year. Amazing the difference it makes. And I get such a kick from seeing Smudgie's photo. He's got oodles of personality and that comes across.

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