A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Getting There; or Relaxing Can't Make Things Worse

There's a new plan, and it's no plan at all.

Meaning, we're taking a break from "planning." I'm not temping, not checking cervical fluids, not worrying about the timing of our sex life.

Things have been much better since then. Husband has felt less pressure and I've felt more relaxed.

I've spent the last few weeks thinking about all the things I can do in the next year if I don't have a baby: Finish all my coursework for my PhD program; teach my entire first year of my fellowship; attend my friend's wedding in Florida in June; present a paper at the Wordsworth conference in Grasmere, England next July.

And... my husband and I are planning a big trip to Scandinavia for Midsommer's Eve!

Basically, there's a new timeframe. I'll wait until I'm 30 before I worry about getting pregnant. When I turn 30 in May, we'll have been "trying" for 15 months, so that will be long enough to move forward with any testing or treatments we may need.

In the meantime, not planning lets me enjoy my life. It's not about "relaxing makes babies." It's more that relaxing makes babymaking more...relaxing! I'm young, I'm fine, I'm happy and I have a wonderful marriage, a fulfilling career path, good friends and family, and a city in which I adore living.

When the baby comes, it will be great! But I should make the getting there good, too.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

It Had to Be You; or, the Pleasures of Marriage

Things have been rough the last few days. I'm going to get my period any day now and lose whatever faint hope I had for this cycle. The stress in the bedroom has not improved.

But...yesterday marked two years since my wedding, a day that makes me so happy every time I think about it I can't help but smile. Despite the difficulties and frustrations right now, I am so grateful to be with my husband, can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. He's my partner and my best friend and the one man in the world with whom I want to have a family.

I know our time will come, and until then I'll try to take comfort in how good we have it.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Taking Care of Business; or the Head-Shrinker's Tale

I went back into therapy today. My new therapist seems lovely, even if we spent much of our first session chatting about my family history of anxiety disorders (it's quite extensive) and my own history of panic attacks, general anxiety disorder, and occasional bouts of depression. I feel good knowing that I'm doing something to get my mind back on track and my emotions under control. I also feel good that she's an LCSW rather than an MD-- I really don't want to go back on anti-anxiety meds when there's a chance I could become pregnant.

Things are also going well with my husband and me (I have now dubbed him Mr. Lawyer for the purposes of this blog). We've taken a step back from sex for the past week because he is spooked and worried ever since losing his erection last week. Mr. Lawyer and I have been having "fun" in non-baby-making ways to get back into enjoying sex rather than thinking of it as a chore.

Ultimately, I feel like we're taking care of necessary business right now. We can't make a baby the way that I thought we could. Meaning, we can't control this. I can't make it happen faster by reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility or obsessively analyzing my cervical fluid. Maybe there's a chance that I'd conceive marginally faster that way, but the toll it takes on my sanity, Mr. Lawyer's emotions, and the health of our marriage is not worth it.

My therapist told me I'm feeling the emotions and suffering the reactions common to couples going through infertility testing. And this is only after 4 months. I need to reset the clock, throw out the calendars, rethink this process. I need to relax.

Right now, I'm working on forgiving myself and my husband for not conceiving yet. A sex break isn't what I wanted, but maybe it's what we needed.

Let's see where we are six months from now.