A blog about babies: the babies I lost, the babies I never had, the baby who made me a Mama.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

It's All in the Timing; or Embracing Imperfection

I'm starting to accept that this whole conception project may, can, and likely will take longer than I had originally anticipated. Cycle four is most likely a bust as we had an old and dear friend visiting us in our little (thin-walled) apartment while I was ovulating. And when I told my husband that we had to have sex the day before J arrived--he kind of panicked from the pressure and it didn't happen. He feels crappy, anxious about his ability to get the job done, and sad for disappointing me. I feel disappointed, frustrated that I can't control this, and sad that my control-freak tendencies are hurting him and his self-esteem.

I can't go on like this. I can't spend every month biting my nails in anticipation of joy or sadness. I need to learn how to go on with my life, treat conceiving a child as just one part of a busy, full, happy existence. To start, I have put away the basel body thermometer and stopped obsessively tracking cervical mucus. I know generally when I ovulate. I have very strong secondary signs (ovulatory pain, among others). "Perfect" timing didn't work the last few months. A little bit of calm might.

And now, a list of things I'm happy about, even though we couldn't have sex at the right time this month:

- I'm glad my husband had a good weekend catching up with one of his closest friends, whom he rarely sees.

- I'm glad my husband and I are communicating openly about our worries and feelings about trying to conceive.

- I'm glad I have an opportunity to be a loving, supportive, and nurturing wife right now, which is more important that seizing every possible baby-making opportunity.

It's a beginning.

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