Chickening Out, in More Ways Than One; or, Another Day, Another Doctor

I had my annual check-up with my Gyn today, at which I chickened out as always and didn't tell her I've scheduled an appointment with an RE for 45 odd days from now. She was giving me the, "Six cycles isn't that long to try, just relax and keep going" routine, and I just didn't want to get into the rest of it with her. I love her and how supportive and kind she is, but she's not one to get worried quickly. And, I don't know, I just felt awkward and uncomfortable telling her about this other appointment, like I was cheating on her or doubting her professional judgment or something. So I didn't.

Because I'm on CD 23 and haven't ovulated yet, she did a quick ultrasound (Hi Wandy! It's been a while. Come on in, make yourself at home!) to check out my ovaries. There's a giant follie on the right ovary that she said is ready to pop in the next few days. Yesterday I finally started getting high readings on the CBEFM, so that confirms it.

She was struck, however, by my uterine lining. It's thick. Really, really thick. So thick she made me take a pregnancy test at the office just to make sure (and I don't need to spell out the result of that test do I? I mean, I think you all can assume by this point, if the 4-foot, ready-to-blow follie didn't give you enough of a hint). From cursory googling, I've seen that delayed ovulation/longer follicular phases can lead to extra lining build-up. And my doctor said it's possible that the raspberry leaf tea I'm drinking has thickened it. But she also wants me back in after I get my period to check for polyps. Great.

So is a 1.3 cm lining absolutely insane before ovulation? Will that harm my chances of getting pregnant? She told me not to worry about it and she didn't tell me to stop drinking the tea--or to keep drinking the tea for that matter. She didn't say anything about the tea other than that it can stimulate lining growth.

I can't help thinking of my dear friend Egg and her lining issues and all the stress and heartache and worry they've caused her. And here I am with the exact opposite scenario, but similar fears. Why is my body not right? What is going on down there? How can I make it better?

If anyone with more expertise on lining could weigh in, I'd appreciate it. Though I'll be honest and say I'd really rather hear that this is awesome and fine and not a problem than the reverse (not to stack the deck or anything). I feel like bad news will be coming around the bend soon enough, so why hurry it before there's anything I can do.

Nothing to See Here, Folks; or, CD 21

I'm feeling completely disconnected from TTC right now-- and also to be honest, pretty disconnected from the blog/message-board world, too. I guess that's a good thing, if being active and engaged in our day-to-day lives is the ultimate goal. Lawyer Guy and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, hitting up movies (we saw The Kids Are All Right at a theater in Brooklyn where we sat next to a rather famous celebrity couple from our neighborhood), checking out new brunch spots, working on the apartment, exploring the neighborhood. I've been knee-deep in contractors for the past week (and for the week to come) as we make some needed home improvements (the subject of an upcoming blog post to be sure). I've been readying myself for our vacation next week and laying a major guilt trip over not getting enough writing done.

And meanwhile, I've been not ovulating. Not checking my cervical mucus. Not crying about it. Not particularly wanting to blog about it. Not googling about it.

I've been skipping my pre-natals and even forgetting to take my vitex. I suppose I'll ovulate eventually, maybe, probably. And I might even be before CD 28, which is the last day my CBEFM will be able to detect it. But if I don't...whatever. It's not like I would have gotten pregnant anyway.

The anniversary of the pregnancy is coming up, and that hurts if I let myself think about it. The RE appointment is coming up, and that's exciting if I let myself think about it. And there's always that teeny, tiny piece of me (maybe one of my finger joints? Or a toe bone? Or part of my inner ear?) that still thinks maybethiscouldbethemonth. So I'm pretty sure that I'll be back to hoping and tracking and obsessing and wishing and despairing soon enough.

But in the meantime...meh.

Abandoning Hope; or, Finding It Again

I'm not sure if this is a sign of hope or despair. I'm not sure if I'm taking action or giving up. But I took a really big step today: I made a firm appointment for my first RE consultation.

This cycle is not going so great, and it's had me down for the last few days. After all my optimism about vitex last month, I'm on CD 17 with no EWCM and still showing low readings on the CBEFM. Even worse, the mid-cycle spotting is back, despite continuing with my raspberry leaf tea. It's not a lot of spotting (not like it was in Spring 2009) and it's brown and faint, but this is not making me happy, to say the least.

Now in the past, cycles like this would send me into a tailspin. I direct your attention to this post (coincidentally, also on CD 17) from last September as case in point. But a few factors have modulated my emotional reaction into something more like vague unease and disappointment rather than vicious self-recrimination and dismay.

a) Time. Seriously, I'm no longer capable of getting all worked up over every fucking bump in every fucking cycle. After eighteen months, I just don't have it in me any more.
b) Options. Knowing that I have decided to go to the doctor, to get tested, and to finally have some assistance on this road is taking a huge burden off my back. So what if this is a fucked-up cycle. I'll soon have a professional on the case.
c) Experience. I've cried about screwy cycles before. I've worried I wouldn't ovulate. And I (almost) always have. I even got pregnant during that crazy-making screwy cycle last September, so I'm not shedding all hope now.

Make no mistake, despite my reasonably calm reaction to these setbacks, I am not a happy Sloper right now. So I decided to call the Dr's office at N.YU to find out if the insurance hurdles have been surmounted yet. They haven't (though the nurse is very hopeful for September 1st). That's okay. When they are, I'll make the appointment for the consult there.

In the meantime, I've got a consult with a Dr. at Cor.nell! Who takes my insurance! And has good patient reviews online! Once I get the appointment at NY.U, I'll go to both consults and figure out which doctor I feel more comfortable seeing.

So come September 17th, my RE adventure begins. The door on getting pregnant unassisted is starting to close for me, and I pushed it a little more by making that call. But a window is definitely opening, and the breeze feels good.

To All My Weirdos; or, Resolutions, New Year's Unneeded

To all my wonderful internet weirdos: Thank you so much for your supportive posts. As much as I tell myself that my mom doesn't understand, it's really hard not to internalize the things she says and start beating myself up for being a self-indulgent mope, a whiny brat, or a defeatist loser. Having you say that I'm okay, you're okay helps immeasurably.

I've been thinking the past few days. I was serving on the jury of that case I told you about, so I had some time to think. Some late mornings at home to cry, hoping my eyelids would de-puff before I made it to the courthouse (but honestly not really caring if they did). I came to a possibly upsetting realization:

I wish I weren't trying to conceive right now.

Ladies, I'm tired. I am so, so tired. This is draining my soul. And the grief over losing my m&m-- a singular, precious individual who will never again appear in this world--is all tied up in anxiety over long cycles and short cycles and irregular cycles and luteal phases and strong temp shifts and weak temp shifts and no temp shifts. I wish I could have had six months to just be sad and not worry about the rest of this shit that's clogging up my life.

But (and there's always a but, right?) I want a baby. I don't want to push off the arrival of that baby any longer than fate and biology have already done for me. I want to give us our best shot at conceiving as quickly as possible, and I know that means pee sticks and temp checks and timed sex.

And truthfully, there were outside factors motivating jumping back into TTC right away. My doctor told me not to wait, for starters (she seemed to think we'd be more fertile post-miscarriage). I thought TTC would help me move on and heal. And then there were the less admirable reasons for trying: I wanted to be pregnant when my SIL gave birth (didn't happen). I wanted to be pregnant by my 30th birthday (12 days away, not happening). I wanted to be pregnant by my EDD (June 26th, unlikely to happen).

I think if we don't get pregnant this month--and based on 9 High readings with no ovulation, I'm feeling rather pessimistic about our chances--I want to take a month off. Still continue with unprotected, regular sex, but take a break from the monitoring and the temping.

Past breaks didn't work. They didn't actually relax me. They also didn't get me pregnant, as I hoped deep down they would. Only the monitor did. But the thought of a little breather from worrying about my ovulation makes me feel happy, so it's probably the right choice.

And then maybe I can stop having so many freaking downer posts on here. Jeez, what happened to me?

Up on the Tightrope; or, Things that Don't Suck Quite As Much As Yesterday

Thanks for your encouragement the other day. I made a series of frantic, sobbing phone calls to my insurance provider and then to the doctor. The office that performed the d&c was not my regular Ob/Gyn's office and it was out of network, which I didn't know at the time (I went there because my doc recommended them). Apparently they charge $17,000 for a procedure my insurance only approves for $3,000. But based on my conversation with the billing department, I'm gathering that they go after the insurance companies for huge payments and then take what they can get without kicking it to the patient. The woman at the billing office kept saying that they will bill me (possibly the full amount though usually not), but "we understand if you can't pay."

I just have to wait for the bill to arrive next month. My mom said she's gone through this many times before and will help me follow the process to get out of paying it. So I feel a little relieved about this. Giving up our trip to Scandinavia to pay for this procedure would have just gutted me. That trip is the only thing consoling me for the fact that I won't have a sweet newborn to cuddle this summer.

Also, many thanks for your encouraging words about the egg white cervical mucus. It's comforting to know it's still possible to get pregnant without them, since Taking Charge of Your Fertility made it seem completely impossible. But I strongly suspect that I'm not actually gearing up to ovulate yet, and the 5th day of High fertility readings with no ovulatory cramps and no egg whites has me convinced. I have ewcm EVERY MONTH. TONS of it. That's the one thing I've got going for me in this whole shittastic conception scenario. I think for whatever reason, the monitor detected my rising estrogen levels really early this month and got me all excited about it, but they're actually just rising really slowly and I'll ovulate around my usual CD 20 or so.

I shouldn't be so upset about this, but I am. I know that I'm lucky to ovulate at all! I know that my cycles are within the realm of normal. But it takes so much emotional energy out of me each month when I never know when I'll ovulate or when to go at it with the sex. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope for the two middle weeks of my cycle, and every morning that I don't see a Peak reading I have a little fall.

At least I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party today to distract me. I hope your weekends are filled with ewcm, LH surges, super-fast fertilizing spermies, fabulous ERs, implanting embabies, BFPs, and awesome ultrasounds, wherever in your cycle you may be.

Paging Dr. Google; or, Second Opinions

I've mentioned before on this blog my frustrations with ovulation. In the past year of TTC (okay, almost year, get ready for the big anniversary post in two weeks) I have ovulated on:

March-April: Day 30
April-May: Day 18
May-June: Day 19
June-July: Day 21
August-September: Day 21
September-October: Day 26 (bfp month)
January- February: Day 27
With one anovulatory cycle post miscarriage (November-January) and one anovulatory cycle when I traveled internationally. (July-August)

I think this pattern is quite irregular. I think it falls outside the realm of normal and problem-free, but I'm willing to accept that it's just acceptable variation and nothing to worry about (that seems to be my doctor's opinion).

I also think it's pretty late. And while I haven't had one of those 60 day cycles that I know some women have (at least not yet), I'm worried that delayed ovulation might have been the reason behind my miscarriage. It's something I've see mentioned as a possible cause (though I have not read any of the research referenced). Again, my doctor said she wasn't concerned when I tentatively raised that issue at our post-d&c follow up appointment.

My husband says I should trust my doctor. He said I'm making up problems where none exist. He hates when I consult Dr Google and make my own diagnoses.

But I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong here.

So I'm asking you guys, what do you think? Is this all fine? Do I have a slightly irregular, slightly delayed cycle, but nothing to stress over?

When do you decide if there's a problem?

Long Cycles Are No Fun; or, Chart Day

Seriously ovaries. Any time now.

Thickening the Plot; or, I Call In the Experts

So, two new bits of info to add to the CBEFM saga today (CD 25- still High fertility):

1. I took my temp this morning. It was 98.0. Yes, I know, one measly temp in the middle of a cycle is hardly something to build an opinion around. But I compared it to my past charts (I charted consistently from November '08-June '09) and found that I never hit 98 or above until after ovulation. My coverline was always in the 97s, usually somewhere between 97.3 and 97.8. Probably means nothing, but there you have it. My CM is also a bit less detectable. Oh, and the thermometer was pretty cold when I stuck it in my mouth (it was in a drawer for 6 months).

2. I called the CBEFM help hotline. They told me a) I'm supposed to wait 2 cycles after being pregnant before using the monitor again to give my hormones time to chill the fuck out (yeah, oops), and b) it's unlikely that I ovulated without the monitor detecting it. The woman on the phone thought that I was likely going to ovulate quite late or not at all while my body readjusts to being unpregnant (not her word). She said to keep using the test sticks until the monitor stopped requesting them, to give it more data.

BUT-- anecdotal evidence indicates you CAN ovulate without the monitor detecting it, even though they claim that's not possible. Of course, that doesn't mean I did. The latest I ever ovulated was CD 30--coincidentally, the first cycle we started TTC. And, of course, this is only the second month I'm using this thing (such drama in its short life). From what I've found online, a lot of people don't show a Peak reading the first or second months they use it, as it adjusts to their bodies and hormone levels.

So, my experienced buddies-- thoughts on the temp? Experiences using the CBEFM? Should I keep on temping? (I'm thinking of supplementing with it anyway)

WWYD?; or, Hi, Internet Friends, Weigh in on My Sex Life

CD 24

The stats:
- Still getting that damn High reading on the CBEFM (grrrr)
- Still having sex (I refuse to say "baby dancing") every other day.
- Still having the occasional sharp twinge in the general direction of my ovaries
- As of last night, still covered in EWCM. (and I mean covered. I'll spare you the details).

So...how long do I keep this up? Until I get a Peak or it drops back to Low? Until I get my period (whenever the hell that is)? Until the egg whites dry up? I've had them for over a week now!

I'm doing okay, because I remind myself that I o'd on CD 25 last time. But if I don't get that Peak tomorrow, I'm going to be pretty gutted.

I just wish this could be easier.

Day 22; or, Seriously CBEFM, Give Me Something to Work With

I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I'm trying to hold on to my optimism, but it's getting harder to do.

6 High Fertility readings in a row. No Peak.

I wake up and put the pee stick in the slot of the CBEFM and walk away from it thinking, "I don't expect anything, it doesn't matter, whatever it says is okay." And then there's that little sinking feeling when the reading doesn't change, doesn't say what I hoped it would, despite my assurances otherwise.

I'm so sick of that sinking feeling.

I know it's not that late. I know I'm lucky to ovulate without assistance at all. I know that we conceived the m&m ovulating on day 25 or 26. And the not spotting is a good thing!

So I'm trying to still be optimistic. And if I cried a little in the shower today, I stopped when I got out.

I Should Be More Careful; or, Day 17

Day 17. No egg whites. CBEFM still reading low. Am I not going to ovulate on schedule this month (generally before day 22)? Or at all?

Part of me kind of wants me to not ovulate...because then I can go into the doctor next month and start testing and figure out what's going on get me knocked up through whatever means possible.

And part of me really, really wants to ovulate. Because if I don't...then maybe I have a problem and this isn't just normal, oh-it-takes-the-average-couple-at-least-six-months stuff.

I started to cry in the car this morning on my way to teach. Just thinking--I'm broken, I'm broken.

This fucking roller coaster.

What the Hell?; or, Seriously, What the Hell?

I used to be a textbook. I used to be a clock. I used to be the hatching cycle of the northern cicada, or Halley's Comet, or some other eminently predictable natural occurance. I used to be regular.

What the hell happened?

Two years ago, my always-35-day cycle decided predictability was out and intrigue and surprise were in. "Why not 30 days?" it asked. "Okay, how about 34? Still too boring? Let's do 39. Oh, oh, and now 44. And back to 34. And now we'll do 31."

Fun. It's tons of fun never knowing when I'm going to ovulate or exactly how long my luteal phase will be afterward (yeah, that's in on the hijinks, too). But the most fun of all is my exciting mid-cycle bleeding!

That, too, started two years ago. I think the two have to go hand in hand. I now bleed for anywhere from two to five days consecutively and four to ten days total preceding my ovulation (there are often breaks of several spot-free days between consecutive days of spotting). Sometimes the blood is very light and one pantyliner will last all day. Sometimes the blood is heavier and I'll need to change the liner twice or so. One horrible month, it was so strong I bled right through my skirt. Thank you menstrual cycle for allowing me to relive the worst moments of junior high in my late twenties. Really special times.

Okay, so now comes my What the Hell incident of late. I'm on day 28 of my cycle. I'd guess I'll get my period in the next three to six days...BUT:

- I visited London two weeks ago with my husband. International travel across time zones has always screwed with my cycle.
- I've been spotting for the last eight days straight.

So I have no idea what's going on. This isn't ovulatory bleeding, as usual. That's usually pink and quite watery for me. Plus, I had that while I was in England. This is brown and kind of viscous.

I was supposed to ovulate while abroad. Since I don't temp any longer, I'm not sure if I did--but the mucus was right for it while I was there. But, since I traveled I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't. Plus, I NEVER spot after I ovulate, just before. But, like I said, this isn't normal spotting.

I see four possible causes:

1. I didn't ovulate yet and I'm going to have a seriously long cycle/delayed ovulation/anovulatory cycle.
2. I did ovulate, and now my body's just thinking up ways to mess with my head and screw with my system.
3. It doesn't matter whether I ovulated or not, because the spotting is being caused by some serious underlying fertility problem that my gyno hasn't caught yet.
4. I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that last one always slips in there uninvited. Party crasher.